Lonely Mornings
by Anne Packrat
Summary: Mustang drags Hawkeye out on a mission to find a girlfriend for Havoc. But what is this mission really about? RoyRiza, Royai, Rated M for sexual language, situations and profanity Lemon in Chapters 6 and 7.
1. Operation Start

"Lonely Mornings" - Chapter 1 - Operation Starto!

A Full Metal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist along with it's attendant characters and setting was created by Hiromu Arakawa, and is distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation and Viz. The phrase "Ladies of Negotiable Affection" is cheerfully stolen from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series.

Spoilers for episode 37, but none of a really serious nature.

This story also contains sexual language, situations and profanity.

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Breda barged into Mustang's office, Fuery close on his heels. They had swept past Hawkeye's desk, earning no more than a brief glance from her before she returned to her paperwork. Upon reaching the colonel's desk, Breda slapped his hands down on the well-worn mahogany.

"Colonel, Havoc needs to get laid."

Mustang looked up at his junior officers, with a mixture of mild amusement and curiosity at their intrusion. "Tell me something I don't know. He's needed some female companionship for months now."

"Sir," Fuery said, peering from behind Breda's large frame, "He really _REALLY_ needs to get laid. Today if possible."

Mustang's eyes widened a bit. For quiet, calm Fuery to be involved there had to be something seriously wrong with Havoc. "So why are you two telling me this now?"

"Because we can't take it anymore! He got turned down again last night and now all he's doing is smoking and whimpering to himself. He keeps sobbing about how alone he is!" Breda said pointing at the outer office where faint sounds of weeping could indeed be heard.

Mustang frowned and looked over at the diligent blonde lieutenant. "How alone he is..." he muttered under his breath.

"Uh, colonel?" Breda said, waving his hand in front of the Flame Alchemist's face, "Are you okay?"

Mustang looked up in surprise. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Look, if Havoc needs to get laid so badly, why don't we all just pony up the money and get him a hooker?"

"That won't work, sir," Hawkeye replied idly, not looking up at him, "Havoc's been blacklisted by all the hookers in Central after he drunkly tried to grope three of them last month and then refused to pay."

"Dammit," Mustang said, rubbing his hand through his hair before stopping and glancing over at Hawkeye, "Wait... Did you say he was blacklisted? By _hookers_?"

Hawkeye signed a report then grabbed another, "Well, technically it was by their union, sir."

The men stared at her in disbelief. "The Central Prostitutes have a union!" Breda asked.

Hearing the tone in his voice, Hawkeye finally looked up from her paperwork. "Of course they do. The 'Ladies of Negotiable Affection League.' I suppose having a union makes it easier to set prices and to enforce bans on customers. Customers like Havoc."

This came as a shock to the men, particularly to Mustang. He never thought of prostitution as a business before, but it did kind of make sense. He received another shock as he began to wonder just where his first lieutenant came across this knowledge. Roy opened his mouth to say something but was silenced by a glare from Riza.

"I can see the little gears in your heads turning," Hawkeye said, "and I want them to stop _right now_." From Roy, her glare moved to encompass Breda then Fuery before landing back again on the colonel.

"I only know this because of the scandal that broke a few months ago involving the 'Ladies League' and certain politicians and high-up military," she explained.

"Actually, colonel, I'm surprised you don't know more. I gave you a report the military issued about it. I'd have thought it would be the one report you'd have read, given just how..." a touch of pink touched her cheeks as she searched for the right word, "Uh, _descriptive_ some of the narrative was."

"I had a report like that, on my desk?" Hawkeye nodded. "Dammit," Mustang said sinking a bit in his chair, "I'd better start reading these things more closely. Never know what good stuff I'm going to miss."

"Sir," Riza said, slightly aggravated, "You should have been reading every report closely, no matter what it contains!"

Roy waved her suggestion off. "Yeah, yeah. Anyway... Just give us the gist of what happened."

Her blush deepening, Riza began. "Well, uh, you know how politicians and similar people often get kickbacks in exchange for favorable treatment?"

Roy and the others nodded.

"Well, uh," she coughed lightly then continued, "I suppose you could say that they were instead receiving 'kneeldowns.'"

"What-? Oh..." Mustang said as understanding dawned. Breda sniggered and Fuery turned a color matching that of the lieutenant.

"Oh dear," the colonel chuckled, "I can see where that would have been a problem. I wonder why they never came to offer me anything."

"Perhaps they were repelled by your incredible studliness, sir," Hawkeye said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Roy chose to ignore her tone. "I suppose you're right, lieutenant," he replied with a mock sigh, "Being so handsome sometimes has its disadvantages."

Riza rolled her eyes and went back to her paperwork.

"Sir?" Fuery piped up, "What about our problem with Havoc?"

Mustang sighed for real this time, "With paying for 'it' out, I guess we should just try to get him a girlfriend again."

"That didn't work last time, boss," Breda said skeptically.

Fuery turned toward the larger man, "That's because Mustang asked us to find a girl for Havoc. I thought this time Lieutenant Hawkeye could maybe..."

He stopped and shivered in fear as she fixed him with a paralyzing glare. "**There is no bloody way in hell I'm dating Havoc**," she told him. The sheer icy tone in her voice seemed to lower the room temperature by several degrees.

Fuery trembled weakly, but after a minute managed to gain enough courage to speak again. "I didn't mean that!" he said quickly, "I just thought that you know, you being a woman, that you would know a lot more potential girlfriends than we would."

"Oh." At his comment her expression softened a little. Just a little. "Have the colonel do it." She gestured toward him. "I hate to say it, but he seems to know more women than any of us combined."

The aforementioned colonel had been watching this exchange with amusement, ready to duck in case bullets were fired. At Hawkeye's suggestion he became thoughtful. After a minute he slapped his palm on his desk and proclaimed, "I'll do it!" His gaze traveled to the woman beside him, "But you, Lieutenant Hawkeye, are going to help me."

"What?" she exclaimed. Her glare turned on him, and her eyes narrowed, "Why do I have to help you?"

Having endured years of her evil stares, Mustang had a high tolerance to them. "Because," he replied cheerily, "It's your kind of mission. Since Havoc has the day off tomorrow we'll follow him around, see how he interacts with people and get a good idea of what kind of girl he needs."

Hawkeye remained unconvinced.

"Oh com'n," he cajoled, "It'll be just like tailing an enemy, trying to gain intelligence."

Hawkeye still was unconvinced.

"I can make it an order, lieutenant."

She sighed in defeat. "FINE! I'll help you tomorrow. But I know this is really just a ploy to get out of doing paperwork."

Mustang's benign smile betrayed nothing. "I have no idea what you mean. It is a commanding officer's duty to make sure that the physical and mental health of his subordinates is in tip top shape."

Riza rolled her eyes again. She tended to do that a lot around the colonel. "What time and where should I meet you tomorrow, sir?"

Mustang stood up and brushed some dust off his pants. "Meet me at 7AM at the coffee shop a few blocks from Havoc's place. The one off Kendall Street. Oh! And be sure to wear casual clothes." His face broke out into a grin, "Hey, why don't you wear a miniskirt!" He got another icy stare. "Or not..."

"You know," Fuery said, "I'm kind of excited. It may actually work this time!"

"Course it'll work!" Breda said nudging the smaller man in the ribs, "It's the colonel, ain't it?"

Mustang jumped on his desk and pointed to the sky, taking up a dramatic pose. "All right!" he exclaimed, "_Operation Get-Havoc-Some-Tail_ is a go!"

Silence followed this. "Sir?" Hawkeye finally said.

Mustang looked down at her, not breaking his stance. "Yes, lieutenant?"

"Let me choose the names from now on, okay?"

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Thanks to the creators and crew of the Full Metal Alchemist anime and manga.

Thanks to my husband Ryan, even if he doesn't get this whole Full Metal thing.

Thanks to you the reader.

Next chapter: Well, let's just say Roy is a sneaky little devil, and it seems that helping Havoc isn't really the main goal of this little operation. But then, what is? And why is he talking about "measuring contests" with Riza?


	2. Naughty Puppies & Fat Men Named Bubbles

Lonely Mornings

Chapter 2 - Naughty Puppies and a Fat Man Named Bubbles

by Anne Packrat

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist is created by Hiromu Arakawa, and is distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation and Viz. The character of Bubbles is, unfortunately, my own creation.

Warning: Brief Episode 25 Spoilers.

------------------------------

Roy Mustang woke up as sunlit fingers of dawn touched upon his face. He rolled on his side and groaned. He looked over at the unoccupied side of his bed. "Alone again..." he muttered, "I'm always alone."

Oh, he'd often woken up to find other warm bodies sharing his bed, but they were fleeting things, flavors of the night, passing in and out of his life like dreams. Yes, he enjoyed the company of the females (and in one case after a particularly drunken night, a cross-dressing male named Bubbles) he woke up to, but he could barely call those girls acquaintances, let alone friends, or lovers. They didn't want to know about his dreams, his feelings, his, well, life and he didn't bother telling them. So he remained alone, isolated with far too few friends who knew what he was really like, who he could open up to.

His gut twisted as he remembered that recently his already too small list of friends had gone down by one. "Dammit, Maes," he muttered, "I finally decide to settle for one woman, and you're not here to see it." He rubbed his face to clear his head and finally sat up and stretched.

"Roy Mustang in a monogamous relationship..." He marveled at that idea. Many people (including himself) said that the day would never come when he chose just one person to share his life with. Yet here it was.

But first that person had to agree to it.

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Riza Hawkeye also woke up to an empty bed. Well, empty of human company at least. This was a typical happenstance for her, and while she did occasionally regret her lack of bed companions, it generally didn't bother her. At least until recently it hadn't.

She sighed. "Another morning alone..." She looked down at a slowly moving bump under her blanket and smiled. "Well, mostly." She put her hand on the lump, which strangely enough yipped and tried to lick her fingers through the cloth. In one swift motion she threw the blanket off the bed to reveal an eager black and white puppy, which she promptly captured and kissed on top of the head before holding him down on her stomach.

Black Hayate barked happily and squirmed in his master's grip, his tail beating a quick tattoo on her thigh. Finally he managed to break free and he dashed to his master's face, showering her with canine love and attention. This, of course, involved lots of licking and doggie spit. Riza closed her eyes and grimaced under the slobberly assault. Laughing she pulled the puppy away and placed him on the bed next to her.

"No offense, Hayate" she said wiping her face with her sleeve, "But I'd rather be getting morning kisses from someone other than you." An image of black hair, black eyes and a dangerous smirk briefly rose in her mind. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she wrapped her arms around them. A frustrated sigh escaped her.

"I can't think about that," she muttered, "Feeling like this isn't helping anyone. It's forbidden... Besides, there's no way he'd ever feel the same way."

Riza had almost always had particular feelings for her colonel, but lately they'd become a lot more intense. Lately she'd even been dreaming about him, spending time with him, fighting alongside him, even eventually marrying him. Of course, half the dreams involved doing certain... things with him. She groaned and buried her head in her lap as the latest dream flickered across her consciousness. It didn't help that it'd been so long since she'd done any types of "extracurricular" activities.

But she had to forget all of this, ignore her dreams and her urges, because it would never happen. Affection for the colonel was something she could not afford. It only hindered her promise to protect him, and interfered in his ultimate plan.

She nodded and ignored the tightness in her chest. "It's best just to bury these... silly fantasies, and never let them see the light of day," she whispered.

Maybe, if she repeated that enough, she'd eventually believe it.

A bark brought her out of her musings. While she was lost in thought, Black Hayate had dragged his food bowl into the bedroom and plopped it in the middle of the floor. He stood behind it and barked again to get her attention.

She bent to pick up the bowl and headed on toward the kitchen. "At least it's easy to tell what you want," she told the puppy, "I just wish it was so easy for me to get what I want."

After filling the bowl and putting it on the floor, she left Black Hayate to fill himself with puppy chow. She went back to the bedroom and pulled out her clothes for the day. The colonel had told her to dress casually so she grabbed a pair of tan slacks and a white blouse. Then she stripped off her night clothes and went off to take her shower.

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Roy dug through the clothes strewn around his room. He paused in dismay as he found a pair of panties large enough to fit Major Armstrong. He quickly smacked his head against the wall to get THAT image out of his head before turning back to the mystery of the panties.

"Oh crap," he muttered as realization dawned, "These must belong to Bubbles." He'd been drunk that night, drunker than he'd ever been in his life, and the woman had been kind of homely, but she was so nice and focused all her attention on pleasing Roy orally never asking for any attention in return. Who was he to argue? Imagine his shock when he'd woken up next to a fat man in a tube top and mini-skirt.

Roy groaned and threw the panties in his wastebasket, even going so far as cover it up with the other trash so he wouldn't have to look at them again.

Mustang's experience with Bubbles had taught him two important things:

1. He and tequila should never ever mix.

2. Never trust a "woman" who has more hair on her face then her head.

It also served as the only time he had not bragged to the guys at work about his conquest the next morning.

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Toweling herself off after the shower, Riza went to the bed only to find an important piece of her daily attire was missing. She groaned and whirled around looking for the culprit. She found the thief in the corner chewing and playing with its ill-gotten gains.

"Hayate!" she yelled picked up the puppy in one hand and disentangling him from her panties in the other. The dog whimpered at both his master's tone and the loss of his plaything. After a quick examination, the slightly chewed and drooled upon underwear was deemed unusable and thrown into the dirty clothes hamper.

Hawkeye put the dog on the bed and went to the dresser for a fresh pair. "I swear I have no idea what is with this sudden fascination you have with my underwear, dog," she said scowling. She put on her the new underwear and worked on the rest of the clothes. "It's not like you don't have plenty of chew toys already..."

Sticking her head through her shirt, an idea struck her. She gave the dog a sharp look. "You're not picking up bad habits from the boys at the office are you?" Black Hayate's innocent face revealed nothing. His tail happily thumped against the sheets.

Riza sighed and finished dressing. "What am I going to do with you...?" she said as she pulled the puppy into her arms and cradled him against her chest. She stiffened as the puppy snugged into her breasts eventually resting his head on top of the left one and staring at her with a large-eyed pleading look.

It was a look she had only seen used by one person before... on her commanding officer when he wanted to avoid paperwork.

She blushed and scratched the top of the dogs head. "I think you're definitely picking up bad habits from the office."

Author's Indulgence

Wow... This isn't at all what I intended to write for the second chapter. But sometimes scenes take on minds of their own, and demand more time than they're allotted. I suppose this is a bit more serious than the first chapter, but well, I have to fit the romance part in somewhere, eh? I also apologize for this being shorter than intended, hopefully the next one will be longer.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the Full Metal Alchemist anime and manga.

-Thanks to my husband, Ryan, even though he stopped watching FMA after the first season, claiming it had "jumped the shark" and gotten too complicated. Don't worry, honey, I still love you.

-Thanks to my reviewers, I appreciate your comments and criticism.

-Thanks to "Galuxkitty" for her characterization needling that will result in me being nicer to Havoc and using him in a different way than I had originally intended.

-And thanks to you for reading.

Next chapter preview: The mission officially begins, but it soon becomes clear that Roy is up to something. Why is he talking with Havoc when they're supposed to be watching the second lieutenant in secret? Exactly what do the boys in the office do when Riza isn't around? And why does it involve a tape measure?


	3. Coffee, Hot Dogs, and a Measuring Tape

Lonely Mornings

Chapter 3 - Coffee, Hot Dogs, and a Measuring Tape.

A Full Metal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist and its attendant characters and setting were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation and Viz. Gary the Trainee, is unfortunately, also my own creation along with Bubbles. (Perhaps I should write a fanfic featuring just the two of them?)

Warning: Contains sexual language and situations. Profanity abounds.

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The coffee shop on Kendall Street was one of the nicer ones in Central, but at the moment a lull in customers left it practically empty. But Mustang couldn't have cared less.

He was nervous. Well, scared. Terrified, really. He was almost at the point of pissing his pants in fear. But it hurt his pride to admit to being anything but nervous. So nervous he was.

His leg jiggled up and down rapidly, which rattled the table, and in turn bounced his empty cup and saucer up and down. "Sir?" the waiter said in a tone of polite concern, "Are you all right?"

Roy looked up at the waiter and down at his wiggling leg. He quickly stilled it. "Uh, could you please repeat that?"

The waiter frowned. "I asked if you were all right, sir."

Of course he was all right! Colonel Roy Mustang, the great Flame Alchemist, hero of the Ishbal War, legendary ladies man and all around hot stud would never be this anxious about spending the day alone with a woman. It was only the butterflies in his stomach that were nervous. The butterflies were at fault. The rest of him was perfectly fine.

His leg began to jiggle again. Yes, he was _perfectly_ fine.

"I'm a bit nervous," Roy admitted.

The waiter gave Roy a tight smile. "I could tell. Perhaps you should put off any more cups of coffee for awhile?"

Puzzled, Roy looked at him, "Why? How many have I had?"

The waiter paused and seemed to be figuring out something in his head. "I believe it's been nine in the last thirty minutes, sir."

Roy blinked. "Really?" Maybe it wasn't just his emotions making him jumpy then. "Uh, yeah, I'll lay off. Thanks."

Drifting back into his thoughts, Roy didn't notice the waiter take the now unnecessary dishes and leave. There was really no reason for him to be so afraid. He knew Havoc's route and activities in advance, and he'd scouted each location. After that he had almost the whole day in which to confess his feelings. It was simple really, child's play. Anyone could do it. Roy fervently hoped that that anyone included him.

The tinkle of the bell above the shop door drew his attention. His anxiety level jumped up ten spots as he caught sight of his first lieutenant.

He always thought she looked attractive, but now that she was out of the restrictive military uniform, he saw just _how_ attractive she really was. It was a simple enough outfit, tan pants, a white blouse covered with a light jacket that matched the pants. But for being uncomplicated it was still classy, much like Hawkeye herself. He noticed the jacket was rather tight just under the arms. He knew this was because she wore her shoulder harness with holsters nestled just under her arms, each with a gun fully loaded and ready to be used in a heartbeat if the need arose.

She spotted him and made her way to his table. He was surprised at how light her footsteps sounded. He glanced at her feet and realized that she was wearing sandals in place of the military issued boots. Funny, he'd never pegged Hawkeye as a sandal-wearing type, but now that he thought about it, he could tell how much that style of shoe fit her personality.

"Hello, sir," she said nodding in acknowledgement of him as she sat down, "I'm surprised you're here on time."

Mustang frowned at that comment. "Well, I made an extra effort because I know how important today is."

She quirked an eyebrow. "How important today is?"

He panicked slightly then recovered. "Uh... Yeah! You know, for Havoc."

"Uh, huh," Riza looked at him skeptically, "Sir, I..."

She was interrupted by the arrival of a new waiter. This one was much younger than the first. He was just a boy in his mid teens with enough greasy acne to fill a deep fat fryer. A button on his apron proclaimed his name was Gary, and that he was a trainee. (Another button urged Roy and Riza to ask about the shop's "Delightful Deals on Delicious Danishes and Delectable Dainties.") Numerous coffee stains covered the garment, and each paid mute testament to a shift of spilled drinks. He looked as nervous as Roy felt.

"Hello, sir, and ma'AM!" he said, his voice getting higher and cracking on the _'am_, "Would you like to try our Dark Roasted Mocha Cappachino Caramel Macchiato Blended Petrilo Georgianatti Cinnamon Vanilla Expresso Latte?"

Confused, Roy and Riza looked at each other then back up at Gary the Trainee. "Er, what?" Roy asked.

A pained look passed over boy's features, "Please, don't make me repeat it," he begged. "Look, it's basically coffee with these fiddly orange bits in it and caramel flavoring, and it's got whipped cream on the top."

"Uh, no," Hawkeye replied, "I'll just take some lemon tea, please."

Gary the Trainee visibly relaxed and let out the breath he'd been holding. "Good, that's easy to remember." He looked toward Mustang. "And you, sir?"

"Just water, thanks," Roy answered. He turned toward Hawkeye as Gary the Trainee left to put in their orders. "What were you saying, lieutenant?"

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

Roy waved her request off. "Sure, sure. Speak freely as much as you want all day. I could care less."

Her mouth formed a tight little smile. She had a feeling she'd be making a lot of use of his "all day" permission. "Colonel, I know you're up to something."

Mustang's benign expression fell briefly but then steadied. "I don't know what you're talking about, lieutenant."

"This entire thing," she said, irritation evident in her voice, "is ludicrous!"

Feigning innocence, Roy responded, "Why? We're just trying to help out a friend who's horribly upset and at a bad point in his life."

"You may be a good actor, colonel, but Havoc is not! He has _never_ gotten that upset about a woman dumping him before and you know it!" Hawkeye said. She was having trouble keeping her voice level.

Roy was surprised at just how emotional his normally unflappable Lieutenant was getting. Well emotional for Riza Hawkeye at any rate. "Maybe he's been rejected too many times and finally cracked. Havoc isn't exactly the most stable person in the world."

Well, she couldn't argue with that. She frowned and stared down at the table allowing her angry juices to stew.

Sensing her discomfort, Mustang decided to change the subject and cheer her up.

"So, Hawkeye, why didn't you wear a miniskirt like I asked you to?"

_Swing... and a miss._

She glared at him, eyes flashing. When she spoke her voice was low and dangerous, "Because, _sir_, if I am to be skulking around in alleys and bushes after this crazy useless fool's quest of yours then I will not be doing it in clothing that restricts my movement and which will do nothing but serve to distract you."

Roy gulped. Under the table his leg began to jiggle again. With a flash of insight he realized that he would be in one of two states by the end of the day: full of happiness, or full of bullet holes. He desperately hoped it would be the former, but Hawkeye's expression promised the latter.

Gary the trainee chose that moment to bring them their drinks. He seemed oblivious to the dark cloud of menace and fear that hung around the table. He was too worried about spillage.

"Thanks..." Roy mumbled, and Riza absently nodded thanks as well.

Gary the trainee blinked and finally noticed the tension clinging to the table like acne to his cheeks. "Uh... Can I get you folks anything else?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes," Riza said finally turning her icy gaze away from Mustang, "A sane commanding officer."

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A few hours later Riza's mood had not improved at all. They'd carefully followed Havoc from his apartment, to the diner at the corner, to the tobacconist's, and finally to a park a few streets away. So now they were hidden in the bushes a hundred feet from from their target. Riza watched Havoc through binoculars and Roy was supposed to be writing down what she reported to him. Instead he issued a steady of stream of complaints.

"Lieuuuuutenant..." he whined, "I'm bored!"

"What are you? A three-year-old!" she hissed, "How about I shoot you in the foot? I'm sure you wouldn't be bored then!"

Roy stopped complaining after that.

Havoc had sat on the bench across from their vantage point. He pulled a thick book from his pocket and began to read. He looked to be half done with the tome already.

"What is he reading anyway?" Roy asked her.

She'd been wondering that herself. Training binoculars on his hands, she examined his reading material. "It appears to be a critical overview of poetry written during the Romanticism Revival of last century," she told her superior.

Roy looked up at her in mild surprise. "He's reading a book of poetry?"

Riza was a bit startled herself, "Not quite. It appears he's reading a book featuring criticism and essays about the poetry itself." She looked back at the colonel, puzzlement on her face, "I never would have thought literary critique would be Havoc's cup of tea, sir."

Mustang shrugged. "Me neither, but Havoc is certainly more intelligent that he appears. Reading something like that probably isn't too much of a challenge for him."

Thoughtfully Riza turned back to her binoculars. There were a few things she about the second lieutenant's character that she would definitely have to reevaluate.

A few minutes later a hot dog cart came by and Havoc went over to it. Riza relayed what happened to her partner who began writing.

"Okay, 14:10, target approaches hot dog cart and greets female hot dog vendor."

"Target hands over money and receives hot dog in return."

"Target makes comment to vendor, most likely an inappropriate one given who it is making it."

"Hot dog lady slaps target hard on the cheek. Confirmation of inappropriate nature of previous comment."

The colonel scribbled this down and then looked up in dismay. "He got slapped? Again?"

Hawkeye put down the binoculars and nodded. "Yes, sir. This one was harder than the last."

"Man," Mustang said, shaking his head in disbelief, "He really does have bad luck with women. There was the waitress at the diner, the mother with the two-year old daughter and now this one! Three times in one day has got to be rough to deal with."

"Actually, sir," Hawkeye replied, returning to her observation of the target, "It's been four times. That two-year-old slapped him too."

Roy sighed. "I don't get why he isn't better with women. It's not like he's got a small dick or anything."

This caused Riza to pause. "Colonel..." she said, measuring each word carefully, "Just how do you know the size of Havoc's genitalia?"

He flushed pink at that question. He moved his hand behind his head and rubbed the nape of his neck. "Uh, well, you see..."

Riza turned around and faced him, both scared and eager to find out his explanation. "Go on," she prodded.

"Well, it was your day off, and we were really bored. Then Breda announced he had a tape measure and..." he shrugged sheepishly.

She stared at him in horror, "Don't tell me you actually measured...?"

"Well, yeah," Roy answered, "We kind of had a contest."

Hawkeye's face turned bright red as certain images went through her mind, "You had _a contest_."

Watching his lieutenant blush so furiously caused Roy's pride and bravado to rise. This just might be his chance. "Yes," he said grinning at her discomfort, "To determine who was King Cock of the Walk, so to speak."

Riza was speechless. There was nothing she could say. She watched in horrified fascination as Roy continued.

"So that's how I know that Havoc's, er, Lil Havoc is nothing to sneeze at. He took second place in our contest."

Only now did Riza notice that he'd been moving closer to her with every passing minute. He was only a few inches away. He leaned over her and said just soft enough for her to hear, "Do you want to know where I placed?"

Riza's mind melted. "HELL YES! I MEAN _NO_," she fought to regain her composure, "I definitely mean no. I think."

He chuckled. Her breath caught as Roy leaned in toward her ear and whispered, "Let's just say... 'It's good to be the king.'"

With no conscious thought forthcoming, Riza had no reply. She felt warm and her breathing was too fast, as if she'd just been running.

Roy leaned back to survey his handiwork. "You know, you're very pretty when you're all flustered."

Her eyes widened. "I-I am?" she asked in an unbelieving whisper.

He pushed a wayward strand of hair off her face. "Yes, you are. We should really try to get you that way more often."

His face was inches from hers. She could feel his warm breath on her cheek.

Too much was happening too fast for Riza. Her head was swimming and her stomach was doing back flips. She needed a moment by herself to collect her thoughts.

Quickly she got to her feet, surprising Mustang and almost knocking him over. She thrust the binoculars into his hands. "I have to use the restroom, sir. Excuse me, please," she said rapidly, the words tumbling over each other in their hurry to escape her mouth.

Dumbfounded, Roy watched as her figure crested the hill, then disappeared from sight, "Did... Did I do something wrong?"

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Author's Indulgence

It's fun writing such deeply-layered characters that are close to me in age. Generally with anime fanfiction I'm writing teenagers or young adults; characters that have a five year or more age difference between me and them. Hawkeye's only a year older than me, meaning she's been through more in her life than a younger character, and it's easier for me to relate to that.

Anyway, yes I am already working on the next chapter, so you won't have to wait too long I hope. Thank you for all the reviews, I greatly appreciate them.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA manga and anime.

-Thanks to my husband, Ryan, who has big problems with the state of fanfiction today. You're the one who started it, love, so you've only got yourself to blame. At least you're who I hold at fault when I read a bad fanfic. -

-Thanks to everyone who took the time to write reviews or send me feedback. I appreciate all of it.

-And thanks to you, for reading.

Next chapter: Roy's plan is unraveling before his eyes. Can he salvage anything from it? Or is he doomed to be alone forever? Also, was Roy being truthful when he proclaimed himself "King Cock of the Walk?"


	4. Cigarettes, Crossed Wires, & Confession

Lonely Mornings

Chapter 4 - Cigarettes, Crossed Wires and a Confession

a Full Metal Alchemist fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist and its attendant characters and setting were created and are owned by Hiromu Arakawa. FMA is distributed by Funimation, Square-Enix and Viz.

Warnings: Contains sexual language and situations, Profanity abounds.

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On the other side of the hill, Riza allowed herself to collapse to the shaded grass beneath her. She was breathing heavily and her heart was pounding. "What the hell was that?" she gasped.

Riza hated feeling like this: confused, scared and unsure of what was happening. She needed to be collected and composed at all times. To be otherwise was inviting trouble. And right now, Roy was living trouble.

She urged her heart to quiet and took short even breaths until her she was breathing normally. "What the hell is Roy doing?" she muttered to herself, "He said I was pretty... Could he possibly...?" She shook her head, "No, he wouldn't ever feel that way about me. There has to be another reason."

An ugly thought rose in her head, suggesting just what that other reason might be. "That arrogant bastard!" she growled, as her hand clenched into a fist.

Roy Mustang, the legendary womanizer, had played her just like he played every woman he dated. All he'd have to do was whisper sweet nothings, keep them off guard and ratchet up the old Mustang charm, and by the end of the night they would pledge their undying love to him. She'd seen him use this tactic on hundreds of girls. She could recognize the warning signs anywhere.

But she couldn't see them when they were directed at her.

"Damn, him!" she said, "He thinks I'm no better than one of those bimbos he dates!"

Then realization hit her. She truly wasn't any better than them. Her hands unclenched, and she sat back dejected, "I fell for it too, after all. I fell under his spell, just like the true silly, stupid woman I am."

---------------------------

Roy didn't understand it. He thought everything was going so well, and then Hawkeye had just got up and run away.

"Did- Did I do something wrong?" he asked in disbelief.

"You sure did, chief." Roy turned around to find Havoc crouching behind him, his book in one hand and trademark cigarette in the other.

"But what did I do wrong?" Roy said, exasperated, "Everything was going so smoothly! I got her off guard, got close to her, and I even complimented her. Then suddenly she bolts!"

Havoc gave his boss a disbelieving stare, "You really don't get it do you? What is the one thing Hawkeye is all about?"

Roy scratched his head. "Guns? Paperwork? Black Hayate? I don't know! Dammit, Havoc, give me some help here!"

Havoc rolled his eyes and took a drag on his cigarette, " The answer is _control_, chief. Hawkeye needs to feel that she has some control over every situation she's in."

Understanding finally lit in Roy's eyes, "And I took that away from her."

"Riiiiiight," Havoc said, nodding, "You caught her off-guard and then you became a threat, so her flight or fight reflex kicked in. Lucky for you she chose flight.."

"Crap..." Roy muttered, "I've been such an idiot."

Havoc put his cigarette in his mouth and grinned mirthlessly, "I can't argue with that."

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Hawkeye slowed as she came back to their lookout. There were now two figures where there should have only been one. Soon she was able to make out the colonel talking with Jean Havoc, the man they were supposed to be hiding from and observing in secret. Suddenly a great many things became clear in her mind, and she didn't like what was revealed.

"Dammit!" she swore, "I knew they were working together. This was all a setup!" She ground her teeth in anger and frustration. This was a first time in a long time that she had felt this furious. Her nerves were shot and, she couldn't take any more.

Besides, she'd been taken for a fool. And Riza Hawkeye did not like being fooled.

She carefully made her way down the hill toward them but stopped just short of where they crouched. Reaching into her jacket, she freed one of her pistols. Carefully she aimed and sent a bullet into the ground between them.

At the sound of gunfire both men jumped and hurriedly looked up in her direction.

"Lieutenant, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Roy said, still in shock.

She strode quickly toward him and put the point of her gun under his chin. "I could ask you the same question, _sir_," she growled.

Roy swallowed causing his Adam's apple to lightly bump the gun barrel. "Lieutenant, I-"

"Save it, colonel," she hissed, "I know all about it. I know you set this up with Havoc." She retreated and let the gun point down toward the ground.

Havoc took a step toward her. "Hawkeye, it's not-" His forward movement stopped when he found himself staring down the barrel of her gun.

"I don't want to hear from you either," Riza said glaring at him, "I know the colonel is trying to set me up with you." Both men's eyes widened at this statement, but she continued before they could interrupt. "That's why he thought up this whole 'girlfriend mission' idea. That's why he kept complimenting you all day. And that's why he made me come along."

Lowering the gun, she stepped away from him. "You're a nice guy, Jean," she said, her tone softer than it was before, "But I'm just not interested."

Her shoulder's slumped and a sad note entered her voice. "If that was the only thing then I could forgive you, colonel. After all you were just trying to help a friend."

Both men looked at each other in alarm. They had never seen the first lieutenant this upset before, and it scared them.

"I could have forgiven you colonel..." she continued her voice gaining in anger, "But then you had to go and make a fool out of me!"

Quickly she looked up at him, the anger and hurt in her eyes making Roy recoil in pain. "Did you enjoy it, sir?" she asked her voice low, "Did you enjoy playing with me like you do your nightly conquests? Are you going to brag about how you charmed 'ol Ice Queen Hawkeye to the boys tomorrow?"

Roy reached out his hand to touch her, but then thought better of it. "Riza, please... That's not what I intended... I didn't mean to hurt you."

A bitter laugh escaped her throat. "Well then you failed miserably, sir!" She holstered her gun, then turned back toward Roy. "I thought you had more respect for me than that. I guess I was wrong."

He didn't know what to say. He just stood there and took her angry accusations. What choice did he have? Most of what she was saying was true and that fact cut him to the bone.

She stared at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "You know what hurts the worst? After all the years we've worked together, after all the times I've gotten your back, you still don't trust me enough to be honest with me."

"I don't want your lines, I don't want elaborate plans, I don't want meaningless compliments or false illusions of intimacy," she told him quietly, "All I want is you, Roy Mustang. _The real you_."

Having said her piece, and nearing the end of her rope, Riza turned on her heel and walked away from the two men. She prayed she could get home before she broke down completely.

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Completely shaken by the past few minutes, Roy sank to his knees. He had hurt the woman he loved very badly. He couldn't even say anything to stop her from walking away. She had been right. He was completely useless.

"Oh god," he said in a hoarse whisper, "I really _really_ fucked up."

Havoc took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. "You sure did, chief." He took a puff, then exhaled, watching his smoke disappear into the cloudy sky.

"But remember," Havoc told him, "Just because you've lost the battle, doesn't mean you've lost the war."

------------------------------------

Riza ran home through the grubby streets of Central, desperately trying to hold back tears.

Overhead the sky got darker, and thunder rumbled in the distance. Briefly she worried about leaving her superior officer in the rain, but that thought was quickly squashed when she remembered he was with Havoc. Besides, it wouldn't do for him to see her cry. Military officers shouldn't be seen crying by anyone. It would be a sign of weakness, and showing weakness was the ultimate sin.

Water began to pour from the sky, but Riza's cheeks were already wet.

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A short time later, a sopping, bedraggled figure made its way up the steps to Hawkeye's door. It rang the bell and waited.

Riza answered the door, even though she knew it was him. A change of clothes and a hot shower had made her feel somewhat better, but she was still pissed off.

"What do you want, Mustang?"

The great Flame Alchemist sat on her doorstep soaked through and through. "Riza," he said cautiously, "We need to talk."

"So talk."

He shook water off his sleeve and looked into her apartment wistfully, "Can we maybe move this inside?"

"No."

"But, it's raining."

Riza raised an eyebrow. "I'm perfectly dry."

He groaned inwardly. He knew she was going to be difficult. He didn't realize just _how_ difficult. "You know I have a thing about rain..." he began.

"Yeah I know. At the moment I could care less." She crossed her arms over her chest, "You said you came here to talk. So talk."

Sighing in defeat, he began. "Look, about today... I screwed up."

She nodded. "Royally."

He looked down, unsure of his next words, "I- I'm really sorry, Riza. I should have been honest with you from the start. Can you find it in your heart forgive me?" He looked up hopefully.

"No, I can't," His face dropped at her words. Noticing this, she sighed and continued, "I can't forgive you, at least not right away. You embarrassed me and tried to get me in a relationship without considering my feelings. I can't get over it just like that."

Roy's gaze moved down to his hands. "I suppose that's fair enough. But could you at least hear me out?"

Reluctantly, she nodded. "Fine, I'll listen to you."

"First off, I wasn't trying to set you up with Havoc," he said.

"Oh course you were!" she said, forgeting the promise made but a moment ago in her anger, "It's obvious from the way you two were acting!"

Roy frowned. Hadn't she offered to hear him out? "No, it wasn't," he said more firmly this time, "That was not my intention at all."

"Oh, no?" she said, her anger level rising, "Then what was the purpose of today?

Don't tell me it was just to watch Havoc eating a hot dog! We could have done that at the office, and then we wouldn't be a day behind in paperwork!"

Roy's hands clenched in irritation. It was _always_ the paperwork with her. "No," he said slowly, "That wasn't my intention either."

She scowled at his answer. "So was this just a huge practical joke then? A little 'Oh, let's pull one over on Lieutenant Hawkeye?'"

He looked at her in disbelief, "You know I would never-"

"Wouldn't you? I don't feel like I know you anymore, Mustang." she said. She was getting angrier by the second, and her voice was showing it, "What's really you and what's just an act?

"Be reasonable, Hawkeye," he pleaded, "I just wanted to get you alone."

"Well, why was that? Was I to be another Mustang conquest? Another notch on your bedpost? Stop lying and tell me the truth!"

God, he had never met a more infuriating woman. Finally he decided to stop beating around the bush and just go for it. "You want to know the real purpose of today, Riza?"

He grabbed her arm and pulled her into a desperate hug. "I wanted you alone so I could say that I love you."

Silence fell between them, broken only by the patter of rain, their soft breathing and the fading echoes of his confession.

They stood there unmoving, with Roy's arms around her waist, his chin resting on top of her head, and her face buried in his chest. Riza could hear his heart beat. It was going a mile a minute.

Finally, she whispered, "I think you should come inside."

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Author's Indulgence

Damn, this one was really hard to write. I'm praying I kept everyone in character, but it's hard to do that when writing something as emotional as this chapter. I apologize for the distinct lack of humor in this chapter, but I found no way to fit it in comfortably.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA anime and manga.

-Thanks to my husband, whom I love even if he's often grumpy and flatulent.

-Thanks to everyone who sends me feedback or leaves reviews.

-And thanks to you for reading.

Next chapter preview: Roy's feelings are finally out in the open. But how will Riza react to them? And where do they go from here?


	5. Hail to the King, Baby

Lonely Mornings

Chapter 5 : Hail to the King, Baby

A Full Metal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist and its attendant characters and setting were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Funimation, Square-Enix and Viz. I created Bubbles, but he's beginning to take on a life of his own.

Warnings: Sexual situations and language, Profanity abounds.

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Roy paused at the threshold of Hawkeye's apartment. He'd just confessed his love to her, and she hadn't shot him. This was a momentous event, requiring just the right words to honor it. The problem was that he was having trouble thinking of any. _"How about, 'And so with this one step we also begin a new step in our relationship? No, too fruity. Uh, Let's see: 'That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for Roykind? No, no, too grandiose... I should be more direct like, 'Hey baby, nice place. Let's go off in the corner and fuck like weasels!' Oh god, I can't say that..."_

Riza watched his internal conflict with a mixture of irritation and amusement.

"Roy, just get your damn ass inside."

He blinked in surprise. _"Oh well,"_ he thought, _"I guess that works too."_ He moved into her foyer, dripping onto her hardwood floor.

"Oh, crap," Riza said, noticing the growing puddle under Roy's feet, "Let me get some towels." She disappeared into the bathroom and soon reemerged bearing two fluffy towels and a bathrobe.

On the way she checked in on Black Hayate in her bedroom and found him still asleep dreaming his little puppy dreams. Dreams which most likely involved food or panties.

"Okay," she said handing him one towel and dropping the other on a chair, "We have to first get you out of those wet clothes." She regretted saying it the minute it came out of her mouth. Knowing her colonel he would-

"Wow, and people think I move fast in bed! But you make me look like a crippled turtle!"

And there it was.

She sighed. Some things never changed. She reached for his coat and slid it off his shoulders. "I just don't want you catching a cold, sir. Because you become even more insufferable when you're sick."

"Hey, I think I'm even more attractive when I'm sick," he said confidently as he rubbed the towel through his hair, "Cause I look all vulnerable and needy. Chicks dig that."

Hawkeye took his coat and hung it on a peg next to the door. "Colonel, I have never found the image of you with snot dripping from your nose to be all that arousing."

She turned her back to give him some privacy while he removed his sopping wet garments. She headed toward the kitchen. "I'm going to put the kettle on. Do you want some tea?"

"That sounds good," he replied, "Hey, Riza... I think I need your help getting my pants off."

She flushed pink but refused to turn around. "Roy, you're a grown man in perfect physical health. I think even _you_ are more than capable of removing your pants without help."

Grabbing the well used kettle from its shelf overhead, she filled it with water and set it to boil on the stove.

"Riiiiiizaaaa," he whined, "I think the zipper's stuck."

"You have got to be kidding me!" she groaned as she went back into the living room, "You are the-" She stopped in astonishment and blushed mightily at the sight of Roy Mustang wearing only his boxers.

She could see why he was so popular with women. His body was quite well-toned, not overly muscled, but with very little body fat on it either. She didn't know if the areas beneath his boxers would be the same way, but if "the king" was to be believed then he was an above average male specimen in regards to the groinal area.

In short, Roy Mustang in his underwear was quite a sight, and she found herself enjoying it immensely. The man simply was _gorgeous_.

"I managed to get them off myself," he said, amused at her studying him so intently. And yes he had the famous Mustang smirk on his face. She had such a _huge_ love-hate relationship with that smirk.

Part of her was annoyed that he was flirting with her at a time like this. She toyed with the idea of shoving him outside in only his boxers and locking the door. But, tonight she decided to be merciful, and let him stay. He was a guest after all. And a good hostess doesn't leave guests to die of hypothermia on her front step.

Roy drew the bathrobe over his shoulders and cinched it tightly, thus ending her impromptu inspection. He went back to attacking his wet hair with a towel. "I think the water's ready. I hear the kettle whistling."

"What?" She turned around to see a jet of steam coming off her stove, "Oh right. Have a seat and I'll bring it to you."

While she fixed their tea she took a moment to marvel at how calm she was being. She always thought she'd be jumping for joy (or at the very least jumping Roy) on the day Mustang told her he loved her. Instead here she was, feeling a weird mixture of bemusement, worry, and anticipation. She was even managing to stay relatively collected despite the emotional roller coaster of the last 24 hours.

She leaned back and caught a glimpse of her colonel on the couch. He looked pensive and worn, and his leg was jiggling up and down. She frowned. What happened to his bravado of only a few minutes ago?

Suddenly she realized that his confident flirty act had been mostly forced, most likely for her benefit. And that was why she felt so calm. Since Roy had been acting more or less normally, then she had responded to him in the usual way, and this had a soothing effect on her frazzled nerves. It was a sweet gesture, but it wasn't what she wanted from him.

She handed him his tea and then sat down on the couch next to the Mustang-occupied chair. "Roy," she scolded, "I told you to be honest with me."

A guilty look passed over his features and then he sighed, "I know. Sorry." With his apology his nervous leg stilled.

"Although..." she said, a small smile on her lips and a pink color on her cheeks, "I didn't really mind your little show earlier."

Oh god, the smirk was back. "I'll give you a repeat performance whenever you want, babe," he said coyly.

Riza thought for a moment. "Okay, how about in Monday's meeting on the new dress code regulations?"

Roy nearly choked on his tea. "W-What? Uh, I don't think Havoc, Fullmetal and the others would be too interested in seeing me in my boxers."

She grinned at his discomfort, "Why not? From what you've told me they saw way more than that during your little King Cock contest."

He groaned. "You are never going to let me live that down are you?"

She smiled sweetly as she stirred her tea. "No way in hell, your majesty."

Roy blushed, but didn't reply.

They sat in silence for awhile. The topic of their relationship, and his confession had to come up sometime, but both were afraid to broach the subject. Finally Riza spoke.

"Did- Did you mean it? What you said outside?" she said staring at her now empty cup.

Roy nodded. "Of course I did. Is it that hard to believe?"

She didn't answer at first, and when she did it was in a whisper. "You have all those other women though... I mean, they're pretty and feminine and I'm just 'one of the boys' who just happens to have breasts. They wear high heels and skirts where I practically live in a uniform. And I sincerely doubt they end the day reeking of gunpowder, sweat and ink."

"Riza," Roy replied, "Look at me." Her eyes didn't leave her cup.

"I said look at me, lieutenant." Slowly she met his gaze and was shocked by the intensity she saw there. "Do you know how many women I've said 'I love you' to?"

She frowned. Why was he asking her this now? "I don't know. Hundreds?"

"Two," he said, his eyes never leaving her face, "My mother and you."

He put down his cup and took her hand, idly tracing the lines on her palm. "Love is not a word I take lightly. When I tell someone I love them it's not just a declaration, but a promise. It's a promise to cherish and protect them and be there for them through thick and thin."

She was surprised by the sincerity of his words. "You almost sound like you're proposing to me..." she said quietly.

Roy chuckled softly. "I guess in my own sad little way I am."

Riza's head spun. First his confession outside and now this? "But the rules..."

Roy shook his head. "I know the rules, and I couldn't give a crap about them. However, it does mean I can't officially make an honest woman out of you until I become fuhrer and change them."

He moved his hand to her face and stroked her cheek as he continued, "In the meantime I still want to have a relationship with you. We'll have to be discreet, but I think we're both more than capable of pulling it off. Are you up for it?"

Hell yes she was. She nodded. "Yes, but on one condition."

Roy quirked an eyebrow. "Oh, what is it?"

"That from now on, I'm the only woman who gets to inspect the king's award winning cock."

He gasped in mock horror. "You would deprive the world of seeing such a huge and incredible creature?"

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "Somehow I think the world will recover."

He threw up his hands in defeat. "Fine, fine you win. From now on you are the King's Cock Inspector. Do you want me to add that to your official list of duties at the office?"

She stared at him in horror. "You wouldn't!"

Smirk. "You know I would."

"You do and you'll get a bullet where the sun doesn't shine."

The smirk widened "Fine, it'll stay an unofficial title," he said relenting, "but only because I know Havoc and the others would get jealous."

Riza laughed. "You're incorrigible you know that?"

He stood and pulled her into his arms. After a quick kiss he replied, "You wouldn't have me any other way."

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Author's Indulgence

I'm so tempted to write a fanfic called _"Riza Hawkeye, Cock Inspector"_ now. If I did it would likely be a buddy cop piece with Bubbles as her partner and Al as the lovable street urchin / suit of armor that acts as their informant.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the manga and anime.

-Thanks to my husband who is mad that I spend so much time writing. I love you too, hon!

-Thanks to people who sent messages or left reviews. I appreciate them greatly.

-And thanks to you for reading.

Hey, Humor came back! Oh and, look, he brought his friend Smut! Everyone wave to Smut! Smut was a bit tired from the trip, so she couldn't do much in this chapter. But she's promised to be running rampant through the next one!

Next chapter preview: Roy and Riza fuck like weasels.


	6. The Lurking Menace and First Inspection

Lonely Mornings

Chapter 6 - The Lurking Menace and First Inspection

A Full Metal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Squeenix, Funi, and Vizzle.

WARNING: This chapter contains a somewhat explicitly described sexual scene between two consenting adults over the age of 18. If that type of thing bothers you, or you are underage, then please stop reading now. As usual profanity abounds.

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A dark figure watched the couple on the couch with interest. He had managed to sneak past them unseen and take up a position very near to them. This mildly surprised the watcher, but he put it down to the two soldiers being intent on each other.

His gaze looked lovingly at the woman, one Riza Hawkeye, but he still unsure of the man, her new boyfriend and commanding officer, Roy Mustang. There had been some problems between himself and the man in the past, but overall Mustang had been nice. However, if Mustang ever hurt the woman there would be hell to pay. Oh yes, he would pay.

His attention went back to the couple as they became tangled in each others arms and kissed, and then broke apart for air. This spurred the watcher to action.

So that was the game they wanted to play then, eh?

Well, he could play that too.

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Roy yelped in fear as a devastating assault was launched on his face. He struggled with his assailant before managing to lift him up off his chest.

"Black Hayate?" he said in surprise.

Above him a wiggling black and white puppy squirmed in his grip. Managing to free itself, the puppy rushed to continue its ferocious assault of puppy kisses, licks and slobber.

"Stop it, Hayate!" he said, pulling the dog away again and putting him down in his lap. He rubbed off his face with the sleeve of the bathrobe. "Ewww...," he said, "You're so little. Where the hell are you keeping all this extra spit?"

After the puppies third attempt to drench his face, Roy gave in and asked for help. "Riza, Can't you..." He stopped as he noticed her bent over the couch, shaking in a fit of laughter.

After a moment she stopped and wiped tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry, Roy, but he jumped at you and then your reaction... It was priceless!"

"Well, I don't think it was that funny!" he huffed, feathers ruffled.

She was still grinning as he handed her Hayate. "Trust me, it was." She looked down at her dog who watched her in return. "Did you want to join in on the kissing too, boy?"

Hayate barked in agreement. His tail thumped against Riza's thighs.

"Ugh, no thanks," Roy said, wiping his mouth off again, "I don't like being kissed by a dog. And a male dog at that."

"So that means you'd kiss a female dog?" she asked.

He put his hand under her chin and lifted her eyes to meet his own. "Well, I'd kiss _this_ female dog of the military," he returned, "If that's what you mean." He leaned in until his lips caught hers.

Their kiss was interrupted by Hayate barking and his increased wiggling against his owner's grip.

"What's with him?" Roy asked, gesturing toward the hyper puppy.

She scratched Hayate behind the ears then answered, "He always gets like this when visitors are around. I think it excites him."

Roy smirked. "You know what excites me?"

He opened his mouth to continue but she interrupted him. "Judging from your past behavior, Roy," she said, "anything female and breathing will excite you."

Undeterred he tried again, "You know what _really_ excites me though?"

"Anything female and breathing with big breasts."

Roy sighed and tried again. "Well you know what really _really_ excites me?"

"It had better be me," Riza replied, "Or else you're sleeping outside tonight."

He nodded. "Oh, it's you all right. And the things I can do to you."

She quirked an eyebrow. "What, like ordering me to fetch files, or have me make you coffee?"

Roy threw up his hands in defeat. "That's it, I think you're the first woman immune to the Mustang charm."

She put Hayate on the floor, and he immediately ran off into the bedroom. "Oh, I'm not totally immune," she said smiling, "Let's just say that over the years I've built up a resistance to it."

Hayate returned with a length of rope in his mouth. He offered it to Riza who took it. They began a fierce battle of tug of war. "Com'n, Hayate, get it!" she urged the dog, whose pulls were punctuated by small growls.

Roy watched her laughing and tugging on the rope with a mixture of fondness and bemusement. She felt his eyes on her and gave him a curious look. "Is something wrong?"

He shook his head, smiling softly. "No, not at all. I'm just surprised at how you're acting."

She frowned and started to reply, but he held his hand up to stop her. "I didn't mean anything bad by that. It's just that you're so much different here then you are at the office," he said having trouble finding the words he wanted, "You're so much more open, and well, _free_."

She let go of her side of the rope, causing Hayate to tumble backward with a startled yip. He quickly got back up and ran off to a corner to paw and chew on his hard won prize.

Looking down at her hands, Riza waited for her thoughts to get in order. "Because of my position, and particularly because I'm a woman, I have to act a certain way in the office. I have to be always professional, always on guard against any type of threat to you. If I acted as anything but the efficient, calculating, uptight individual everyone has dubbed 'The Ice-Queen' then I would no longer be taken seriously," she explained.

Roy nodded and she continued, "Women in the military are a novelty at best, and many see a female in a uniform as nothing but a joke. As long as I'm the perfect soldier, they have less to laugh about."

Roy took hold of her hands and gripped them tightly. "I've never seen you as a joke. Neither do Havoc and the others."

She looked up at him. "I know that," she said with a hint of disapproval in her voice, "But in the case of our office, if I wasn't the taskmistress I am then nothing would ever get done!"

Roy chuckled. "Yeah, you have a point. I think I prefer the laughing, teasing Riza to Ice Queen Hawkeye though."

She smiled at that. "Well, finish your paperwork tomorrow or you're be seeing Crazy Gun-toting Pissed-Off Hawkeye." She yawned, "Speaking of tomorrow..."

Roy sighed and looked at the clock. "I suppose it is getting late. I should get home." He stood up and took a step toward the door, but a hand on his arm halted his movement.

"You- you don't have to go home..." she said staring at the floor, unable to meet his gaze.

His eyes widened. "Riza... Are you sure?"

She bit her lip and nodded finally looking up at him. "Yes, It's just... I'm not sure I want to go too far tonight. I hope that's okay."

Noting her sudden anxiety, he pulled her up into his arms. "That's perfectly fine."

He gazed at her, his tone suddenly serious, "In fact, I'm giving you the lead in sexual matters, Riza. I won't do anything at all besides kissing unless you tell me you want to."

She pulled away from him slightly, just enough to look into his eyes. "Are you serious? You're willing to wait for me?"

Roy nodded. "I'll stay celibate for years if I have too."

Riza smiled at that. "Roy Mustang going years without sex? I think you'd explode after only a month."

He shrugged. "Maybe before I would have," he admitted, "But hey, you're worth waiting for."

It boggled her mind. Roy Mustang, legendary ladies man was waiting for her to make a move. Not that she intended to keep him waiting long at all, of course, but that's not what was so important to her. No, it was the simple fact that he was giving _her_ total control over such a significant thing and that he trusted her that far. That's what made her heart beat faster, and caused her to love him even more.

"I guess we should get to bed then," she said, "But you have to promise to be good."

A brief flash in his eyes was all the warning she had before he suddenly met her lips in an exquisite kiss. She was left blushing red and completely breathless.

"Still want me to be good?" he asked softly, his smirk returning.

"Maybe..." she said when she could breathe again, "Maybe I'll let you be a _little_ naughty."

She took in his widening smirk which promised so much.

"But just a _little_."

-------------------------------------------

Riza woke up to find herself shivering, the blanket she fell asleep under pulled entirely off her body. She looked around and found Roy facing away from her wrapped up tightly in a cocoon of all the bed linens.

It was then she realized a distressing fact about her new boyfriend.

Roy Mustang was a cover hog.

She found an edge of a blanket and tugged at it. It didn't budge. She tried again, pulling harder. This time it moved slightly. Finally she took a deep breath and pulled with all her might. The force of her effort uncovered Roy and pulled him onto his back.

She bit her lip and watched to see if he woke up. He didn't. _"He must be a heavy sleeper..."_ she thought, _"Or he's having a really good dream."_

She took the time to again study his nearly nude body, taking in all the sights on the way. Her eyes widened in surprise as she found a rather obvious bulge in his boxers. _"It must be one _hell_ of a dream,"_ she thought.

Roy shifted in his sleep and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like her name.

Her eyebrows shot up. "Correction," she muttered, "He's having one hell of a dream about _me_."

She looked back and forth from his face to his crotch, and a devious smile broke out on her features. "Let's see if we can turn dreams into reality..."

-------------------------------------

Roy woke suddenly to a ticklish feeling in the area of his shorts. It was a nice sensation. Well, actually it was a _really_ nice sensation. He wondered who could be causing it. Suddenly he remembered the events of last night and his eyes popped open.

"Riza?" he asked his voice low, "What are you doing?"

Well, actually he knew what she was doing. She was kneeling down by his legs, and was tracing her nails lightly up and down his covered erection. He squirmed as she hit a particularly sensitive spot.

"Why, Roy," she said (with a small smile on her face that he found unbelievably sexy), "Don't tell me that with all your supposed experience, you don't know this is called?" Her smile widened as he squirmed again. "I believe the technical term is 'foreplay'."

"I know what foreplay is!" he said more forcefully then he intended, "I just want to know why you're doing this. I thought you said you weren't ready yet..."

Her hand stilled and she looked away from him, biting her lip.

Roy looked at her flushed face and a sudden realization came to him. A slow smile spread across his features. "You're horny, aren't you?"

She sat silently for a moment, then nodded. "I am," she admitted, "It's been a while." She lifted her head to look at him, defiance in her gaze, daring him to make fun of her. "That's not a problem is it?"

He quickly shook his head. "No! Not at all! Be horny all you want," he said grinning, "In fact, I'm going to make it an order! Lieutenant, I command you to be horny!"

His statement caused her to giggle. "Sir, I do believe that order is a clear abuse of your power."

"Oh?" he asked, his eyebrow raised, "Are you going to punish me then?"

"Maybe later," she said, her secret little smile returning, "For now I think its time for your first inspection."

Roy's jaw dropped. "You're kidding right?" he asked, "I mean you really wouldn't..." He stopped mid-sentence when he felt her tugging on his boxers. "Oh crap, you are..."

After a few tugs, his manhood sprang free, and Riza gasped at the sight of it. She trailed a finger along it's length. "Well... I can see you weren't lying after all."

He propped himself up on his elbows so he could better see what she was doing. He nodded. "I told you I was the king.,"

His groaned as she wrapped a slim hand around the base of his shaft "Oh god, Riza..."

She pumped him several times, noting how he got harder as she did so. With a small amount of pride she noticed his half closed eyes and glazed over look. She must be doing something right, because he was definitely enjoying this.

In fact, he was _really_ enjoying it. Immensely. The feel of her touching him so intimately was pure ecstasy. He could feel a tight heat growing at the small of his back, which grew more intense with each of her movements.

She stopped stroking him and took her hand away. With a disappointed moan, he opened his eyes to see her moving his cock around, examining it from different angles.

"Just continuing the inspection, sir," she said to answer his questioning glance, "Everything seems to be in working order. This is indeed a fine looking cock."

Amused he said, "So then do I pass?"

"I'm not sure yet," she replied giving him a sultry smile, "I have to perform the oral portion first."

His eyes widened, "You are not going to..." He felt warm wet lips engulf the head of his cock. "Holy hell..."

Riza's mouth bobbed up and down on his penis, occasionally stopping to lick the underside or kiss the head. Roy groaned; it took all his willpower not to buck into her mouth.

It didn't take long before her careful ministrations brought him close to the edge. "God, Riza, I'm going to-"

She grinned and lightly grazed him with her teeth all along his length. It proved to be too much. With a hoarse yell, he came.

For Roy, the tight heat in his belly exploded engulfing his body in liquid flame. Everything went white as he was washed with wave after wave of fire. Finally it subsided and he dropped, spent, back to the pillows

For Riza, it was an all together different experience. She almost gagged when he first shot off in her mouth, and only her iron will allowed her swallow the rest. When he was done, she leaned over to the edge of the table and gargled using a glass of water she'd left from the night before. Then she grabbed a box of tissues and worked on cleaning them both up.

As she worked she noted that Roy hadn't moved or said anything for at least a minute. Worried, she asked, "Are you okay? I didn't, uh, hurt you did I?"

His mind still half filled with fog, he shook his head. He pushed himself up and grabbed her in a fierce hug. "Not at all," he said into her hair, his voice still husky from orgasm, "That was... That was incredible..."

She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. She sighed in relief, "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Oh, I more than enjoyed it," he told her earnestly, "I'm not sure there's a strong enough word to express just _how_ much I enjoyed it."

"That's good," Riza said, "Because I really don't think I want to do it again."

His face fell in shock, "But why-?" He was silenced when she put her finger on his lips.

"I don't mean the first bit, I don't mind that," she clarified, "I just never want to have to swallow your semen again."

Roy sighed. "Tastes that bad, huh?"

She grimaced at the memory, "Let's just say it's not exactly five-star cuisine."

"Hmmmm..." Roy murmured trailing his fingers along her side, "I wonder if you taste any better?"

Riza shivered at his touch and tone. "I-I don't know," she said her voice trembling at his implication.

The infamous smirk appeared on his face, and his hot breath bathed her ear as he whispered in it.

"Why don't we find out?"

------------------------------------

Author's Indulgence

Holy hell this was hard to write. Harder than Chapter 4 even. I've never written a real lemon before, but I have read plenty of them. Despite having experience (I am married after all), I still found it hard to make it at least somewhat believable, and not degenerate into stock romance novel fucking. I hope I succeeded, at least a little bit.

I tried my damndest to keep everyone in character, but... well, as before, it's hard to do in a situation like this. I apologize for any OOCness you may have noticed. There's a bit of cliche running rampant as well. I apologize for that too.

It strikes me that my Hawkeye seems to be a bit more mellow then those of other authors. I suppose she's a bit more sexually liberated too. Keep in mind that she's a woman in her late twenties, in the military. I can almost guarantee you that she's had experience, or at least gotten more than her fill of stories of assorted sexual escapades from the men around her. It's hard to hold on to much of your innocence and naivety in an environment like that.

Should I bother to fully write out the sex in the next chapter? I guess whether or not I do depends on the reaction to the scene in this chapter.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did actually write _"Riza Hawkeye, Cock Inspector."_ It's available with my other stories.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA anime and manga.

-Thanks to my husband, who has the annoying habit of reading lemons over my shoulder and making fun of the writing in them.

-Thanks to everyone who reviews and sends feedback. You don't know just how much I appreciate them.

-And thanks to you for reading.

Next Chapter: If you wish, I'll invite Smut back. Otherwise, the Morning After, and we learn just why Riza is so good at giving blowjobs.


	7. Like Weasels

Lonely Mornings

Chapter 7 - Like Weasels

A Full Metal Alchemist Fanficiton

by Anne Packrat

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and setting were created by Hiromu Arakawa and distributed by Viz, Square-Enix and Funimation.

Warning: Contains sexual language, situations and profanity. There is sex in this fanfic between two consenting adults over the age of 18. If this disturbs you or you are underage, please stop reading now.

Note: This is the slightly censored version. To read the full version visit or the royaifiction livejournal community.

--------------------------------------------

Riza shivered in Roy's arms. She had performed for him earlier, and now apparently it was going to be her turn as the audience. A myriad of emotions were coursing through her, anticipation, lust, anxiety, and worry all vied to rise to the top of the pile. Unfortunately, anxiety was winning.

He noticed this and stroked her cheek with his thumb. "Riza..." he said softly, "Don't worry about it. We don't have to do anything else tonight."

"But I want to!" she said, her voice higher then she intended. "I'm just a bit nervous."

Roy gave her a quick kiss. "That's normal for your first time."

He felt her stiffen against him. "My first time..?" she repeated.

Looking down at her palm he began tracing the lines there. "I know you're a virgin. And whenever you decide you want to do it then I'll be as gentle as possible."

Riza was confused. Her? A _virgin_? That was news to her! "Uh, and where did you learn this piece of information?"

Roy shrugged. "We all just kind of assumed. I mean, we never see you with boyfriends or anything. And you're always so uptight at the office..."

She was torn between anger at his ready assumption and amusement at just how wrong he was. Amusement won out.

He stared in confusion as she giggled. "Roy," she said a moment later, "I hate to burst your bubble but I'm no more a virgin than you are."

Roy's eyes widened in surprise. "You- You mean you've had sex before?"

She nodded, her laughter of before forgotten underneath a slight blush that tinged her features. "Yes, but only a few times."

A twinge of jealousy arose in his mind. He fought to keep it from his voice. "Do I know him?"

She shook her head. "No," she replied looking at her hands, "It was a few years ago. I wouldn't have dated him at all, except that I was tired of feeling lonely, and you didn't seem like you'd ever consider me as anything but a subordinate then."

He flinched at that. It was true though. Up until a few weeks ago, he'd never considered having a relationship with his lieutenant. He'd gone from girl to girl trying to fill a void that could only be completed by the woman before him. "I'm sorry," he said into her shoulder, "I'm sorry I didn't realize how I felt sooner."

She kissed the top of his head and stroked his unruly black hair. "It's fine. I'd pretty much given up hope of you ever loving me anyway. I was willing to accept just being with you as your protector." She smiled suddenly, "But the way we are now, well, it's more than I could have ever dreamed."

Roy ran a hand along her side. "So what happened with this guy?"

Riza hesitated at first but finally answered, "He left me when he realized he wasn't the most important man in my life."

An illicit surge of pride welled up in Roy. Even without trying he'd managed to beat out her old boyfriend. He tried hard to suppress a victory grin. Eventually he succeeded. "Are you feeling more calm now?"

"Yes," she said, "Thank you. I think I just needed a small break."

Roy pulled away enough to look her in the eyes. "Do you want to continue where we left off?"

Slowly she nodded.

"You're sure?" he asked, searching her face, and seeing a spark of need in her eyes.

"Positive."

He took hold of her shoulders and maneuvered her back against the pillows. He laid beside and gave her a quick kiss. "If there's anything I'm doing that you don't like," he told her, "or that you don't want me to do, then tell me and I'll stop. Do you understand?"

She sighed in exasperation and flicked his nose lightly. "Roy, I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not that fragile. Trust me, you'll know if I don't like something."

Roy smiled at her tone. "Yeah, I guess you've never had any problems telling me when I'm doing something wrong."

She flushed pink and looked away. "Can we get on with it?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "My, someone is eager aren't they?"

Riza turned her gaze back toward him. "You're the one who ordered me to be horny."

"Yes I did," he responded, "But since when have you ever obeyed my orders?"

"Since-" The rest of her retort was cut off as he captured her lips in a heated kiss, using his tongue to plunder her mouth. He broke off and she was left gasping.

"Like that?" Roy said lightly, pleased at her breathlessness. Her soft panting was his only answer. He grinned and began to rain butterfly kisses along her jawline, eventually moving down her neck. Her breath caught as he kissed the ticklish pulse point where her neck met her shoulders. His hand traced a faint line down her collarbone, and his mouth followed, blazing a trail toward his first major destination.

He put his hand on her belly, his fingers just under the bottom edge of her tank top. He looked up toward her for approval. Wondering just what he had in mind, she nodded. Roy pushed the edge up past her belly. He planted a kiss in the center of the newly exposed skin, causing her to squirm. It appeared she was ticklish there. Roy carefully filed that fact for use later.

Riza was having trouble controlling herself. Her skin felt overheated and her breath was coming quicker. Starting with his kiss, Roy had ignited a small fire down deep in her belly, and like any flame he knew just how to nurture it to an inferno.

Roy slid his hand up into her tanktop, trailed up between her breasts, before settling on the left one. "Hmmm..." he said, "What do we have here?"

She sighed. She should have known he'd want to play. "It's called a breast, Roy. Mammals, including human women, have them to nurse their young."

"Really?" he replied with mock seriousness, "And what do you call this little nub?"

"That's a nippl- ahhh!" she gasped as his thumb rubbed over the object in question.

"My my," he said smirking, "I do believe you liked that. Let's see what other reactions I can get..." He pushed her top all the way up to her neck fully exposing her chest for his little "experiment."

He rubbed her left nipple for awhile, before moving onto her right. He leaned down to kiss the now free left nub, and she moaned when he began to lightly suck on it. Smiling at her reaction, he lavished equal attention on the right until she finally had enough and began pushing him down further.

Roy again kissed her belly and chuckled as she squirmed. "Getting impatient?"

"Shut up, you smug bastard," she said her voice trembling with need, "And get on with it."

He rested his chin on her belly and gave her a small salute. She rolled her eyes.

Eager to follow orders, Roy tugged on her pajama bottoms and eventually got them down and off her legs. He then paused to admire said legs.

Propping herself up on her elbows in order to see why he'd stopped she asked, "Is something wrong?"

"Not at all," Roy said trailing a finger down the front of her thigh, "You know these are the reason I want to see you in a miniskirt."

She shivered at both his touch and her old anger over his miniskirt fascination. "No way in hell, sir," she said.

Roy gave her the look she'd long ago labeled "Paperwork Avoidance Puppy Dog Eyes #3." "Pretty please?" he pleaded.

"Fine!" she said relenting, "But only when we're alone in one of our homes. Nowhere else, understand?"

"Oh, that's fine," he replied running his hand up the inside of her thigh, "Cause I should be the only one viewing these gorgeous things anyway."

Blushing, she took his hand and moved it to the waistband of her panties. "I think you've stalled long enough."

"Riza," he asked, his eyes meeting hers, his tone serious, "Are you sure about this?"

She exhaled slowly, and then nodded. "Yes. I want this."

Needing no further urging, Roy quickly stripped her of her last garment, then he let his eyes roam her body.

Curious, she watched his gaze travel from her head to her toes and back. "What is it?"

"You're beautiful," he said simply, his gaze finally meeting hers, "Absolutely beautiful."

"Thank you," she said quietly, "No one's ever told me that before."

He moved up her body and captured her lips again. "Then that's their loss," he replied.

He cupped her groin, enjoying her sudden hiss of in-drawn breath. He bent his index finger and began exploring her folds as the palm of his hand ground against her. He soon found his target. She cried out at this new sensation and bucked her hips against his hand. He continued stimulating her, using her moans as a guide to when she was near the edge.

And Riza certainly was close. Every movement of his skilled fingers added fuel to the already raging fire in her belly. It threatened to overwhelm her at any moment.

But when he changed tactics and instead went _in_ and _down..._

That's when she lost it, and the fire raged over her skin and through her blood, making her body sing even as it consumed her.

Roy was surprised by her sudden descent over the edge. He watched in fascination as her back arched toward him, her whole being wound impossibly tight, before achieving blessed release and falling back to the bed.

He withdrew his fingers from her folds and cleaned them off with some tissues. After allowing her a few moments of recovery he said, "Something tells me you really enjoyed that."

Still caught in the aftermath, she slowly nodded, then pulled him up for a leisurely kiss. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Anytime," he returned, giving her another languid kiss.

It was then she noticed something hard poking her in the side. Trying a smirk of her own she said, "Looks like you're ready to go again."

Roy chuckled. "After that amazing display of yours, it's no surprise really."

Riza blushed, and ran a hand down his chest. "Should we finish this?"

Sporting a puzzled look, he asked, "Finish what?"

She ground her teeth in frustration. She knew her colonel was always up for messing around, whether it was in the office or in the bed. Sometimes it could become quite annoying. Like now. "You know what I mean, Roy!"

He cocked his head to the side, radiating innocence. "Really, Riza, I don't know what you mean. What do you want to finish?"

Tired of his antics, she grabbed his shoulders and crushed her lips to his in a fierce kiss. When they pulled apart, this time he was the one left breathless.

"Dammit, Roy," she growled, "Just fuck me already!"

That was all he needed to hear. With a speed she didn't know he possessed, she found herself lying back on the pillows, with him straddling her, and their lips very busy. Roy's hands flowed over her body, memorizing every dip and curve. She moaned into his mouth as he stopped and paid extra attention to her breasts.

"Riza..." he said, his voice rough with lust, "You're absolutely sure about this...?"

Oh no. She was not going to take anymore of his constant questioning. With a snarl she hooked her feet in his and flipped him with a move she'd learned early in basic training. Suddenly finding his position reversed, Roy started at her in surprise.

"You know by now just how much I want this," she told him in a low voice, "But since you won't believe me and you're going so slow, I've decided to just take it."

Roy groaned as she reached down took hold of his cock and then guided him into her moist entrance. Once he was fully inside her, she stopped. He noticed a pained look on her face. Concerned he stroked her hair, "Are you all right?"

She nodded, grimacing. "It's just a bit uncomfortable. Give me a minute and I'll fine."

He kissed her forehead and, the laughed lightly. "I figured you might be the kind of girl who likes to be on top."

She smiled. "Well, the one on top does most of the work after all. It's not really much different than a day at the office."

Roy grinned and then kissed her. "Ready?"

She nodded. Moving her hips upward, she then dropped them quickly back down, earning a groan from him, and a hiss of pleasure from her.

They continued this way, bouncing and thrusting, each time causing their respective flames of passion to burn brighter.

Roy knew he didn't have long. But he'd be damned if he came before her. "Riza...," he groaned, "Are you close...?"

A moan was his only answer.

Deciding more stimulation was needed. Roy reached in between them and fingered her, causing extra friction in a sensitive area. It worked. With an inarticulate wail, Riza came hard, fire blazing through her veins.

The feel of her muscles clenching on his hardness triggered his own orgasm. He yelled into her shoulder as white exploded around him.

She fell on top of him, panting as the aftershocks faded. They lay together, sweaty and hot, but enjoying the closeness of their shared afterglow.

Finally Roy said, "Lieutenant, you can now stand down from being horny."

Riza gave him a weary but satisfied smile. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

He grinned, "Permission granted."

She sighed and said, "Then shut the hell up and kiss me already."

And that was an order even he was more than happy to obey.

-----------------------------------

Author's Indulgence

All right, here you all are. Enjoy Smut now because she won't be seen again until the sequel.

I know some of you will be upset with me that I didn't make Hawkeye a virgin, but 1) I really don't think she is, and 2) I didn't want to deal with a woman's "first time."

Excuse any OOCness that is here, and the cliches that I put in (such as them coming at the same time), and the phrase "flames of passion." But flame allusions and Royai have to go together.

Thanks to the creators and crew of the anime and manga.

Thanks to my husband who is still grumpy and flatulent.

Thanks to those who reviewed and sent feedback. I greatly appreciate it.

And thanks to you for reading.

Next chapter: The Morning After. And why is Riza so good at giving blowjobs?


	8. The Morning After Subroutine

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation.

Lonely Mornings - Chapter 8: The Morning After Subroutine

A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfic

by Anne Packrat

Warning: This story contains sexual language and situations. Profanity abounds.

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Sunlight, nature's gentle but bright alarm clock, flowed into the room, waking up Roy. He opened his eyes, and noted the presence of another body in the bed with him. Automatically, the standard "Morning After" subroutine initiated in his head, and he went through his normal checks.

"Was sex involved?"

A quick look down answered his question. _"I'm naked so most likely yes."_

"Was I drunk last night?"

His head was clear and no nausea was in sight. _"No hangover, so no."_

"Do I remember her name?"

Well, of course, he remembered her name. _"Riza Hawkeye."_

"Okay, initiate usual 'Had a great time, I'll call you, you don't call me.' speech-"

"Wait, I slept with Hawkeye?" he muttered disbelievingly, finally fully awake.

It had taken awhile but eventually his memories of the past day caught up to him and flickered across his conscience. He remembered everything, from the plan, to his fucking it up, her blowing up, and then making up. He remembered confessing his love in the rain, reaffirming that love over tea, and then making love before falling asleep side by side. He lingered longest (as he was wont to do) over his memories of the sex.

"God, she is wild in bed..." he thought, some of her actions of the previous night even enough to make him blush. "Not that there's anything wrong with that," he added quickly.

She murmured in her sleep and turned to face him. He waited to see if she would wake, but her eyes remained close and her breathing was even. He propped himself up on his elbow and studied her while she slept.

Her skin was pale, without the light tan everyone else seemed to sport this time of year, most likely because of long days spent in the office away from the sun. In sleep, her face was open and innocent, not yet holding any of the worries and fears that accompanied her waking life. Roy loved her like this, and he resolved to do everything in his power to match her sleeping features to her normal ones.

A strand of honey gold hair fell across her face as he studied it. Carefully, he reached out and swept the errant strand back. He moved in and kissed her bare shoulder, enjoying the sweet taste of it.

When he leaned back, he found her awake and watching him. "Hi," she said shyly.

He smiled. "Hi, yourself." His hand trailed along her side, causing her skin to flutter at his touch. "You sleep well?"

She nodded. "Once I got my own blanket, I did."

Puzzled, he looked down and then realized that she was wrapped in a small blanket that had not been on the bed the night before. "Why did you need your own blanket?" he asked.

She smiled and tweaked his nose. "Because, you good sir, are a cover thief."

Roy hesitated for a moment and then sighed. "Oh, sorry. I should have warned you."

"It's fine," she replied. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest. "Did you sleep well?"

"Sure did," he said grinning, "I think it's because you did your best to tire me out last night."

Blushing she said, "Well, sir, it is my duty to see to your welfare and peace of mind." Her hand made idle circles on his chest, as she gave a mock sigh. "And if that duty involves having wall shaking sex with you every night, then I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it."

Roy patted her on the shoulder consolingly. "We all have our crosses to bear, lieutenant. Hell, look at me, I have to put up with nightly cock inspections."

Riza gave him a surprised look. "Really? I hear that inspector can be a real bitch."

He sighed and shrugged. "Yeah, sometimes. But she's thorough I'll give her that. Speaking of which, I never got the results of last nights inspection."

She frowned. "I believe she's going to need more time to review the results, sir. It's likely that several more inspections will be needed before a full report can be made."

Amused, Roy said, "Well, make sure that report gets on my desk as soon as its finished."

"But, sir," Riza answered in mock dismay, "You never read any of the reports on your desk!"

The smirk was back. "Trust me, lieutenant," he replied, "This is one report I'm definitely going to be reading."

She couldn't hold back anymore and started laughing. "You're horrible, you know that?"

Roy arched an eyebrow. "I'm not kidding, lieutenant. I expect a 10000 word report about my cock on my desk by midweek. That's an order."

"Please, sir," Riza asked pleadingly, "That's not fair. Couldn't I at least do an oral report instead?"

"I suppose I could let you do an oral report and cut the word count down to 5000," he said, grudgingly.

"Thank you, sir!" Riza said, smiling, "I wish there was some way I could show you my gratitude."

"Oh, I have an idea..." he answered, the smirk appearing almost magically on his face. She caught the mischievous look in his eyes and wondered what exactly he was up to. Suddenly he caught her lips in a fiery kiss. Thus distracted, she couldn't protest when he rolled them over, so he lay on top of her. He caught her wrists in his hands and pinned her beneath him. "This time I get to be on top," he said, grinning, "Equivalent exchange and all that."

She let out an exasperated sigh, "Roy, I'm not an alchemist."

"Really?" he asked puzzled, "Cause last night you sure were good at transmuting my cock into hard steel!"

Riza groaned. "God, Roy that was bad even for you!"

He smiled apologetically, "Yeah I guess it was bad, sorry." His hand moved to cup her rear, and he began to trail kisses down her neck. "Let me make it up to you, by showing you something good..."

His moved his hand to her breast, but stopped when a loud rumble erupted from his stomach. He groaned as his belly again protested its emptiness. "Stupid traitorous organ..." he groused. The mood broken, he rolled off her and onto his back.

She laughed and stroked his chest with soft cool hands. "Why don't I get a shower and then make us breakfast?"

"You know..." he said, moving on his side and resting his head above her heart, "It would save time if we both showered together."

She rolled her eyes. "Roy, you and I both know that if we did that, then showering would be the least of things we'd be doing."

"Please...?" Roy said, resting his chin on her chest and giving her puppy dog eyes. His expression changed to one of confusion when she burst out laughing.

Riza couldn't help it. She'd seen that expression before. It was the exact same look Black Hayate had given her the day before. "I guess he really did learn it from Roy!" she thought.

Noting his dumbfounded expression she gave him a quick reassurance peck on the cheek. "Sorry, I just thought of something else. It's not you."

Mollified, he asked, "So what about that shower?"

She sighed and slid out from under him. "No, Roy," she said firmly, "You know we do have work today, right?"

"Can't we take today off?" he pleaded.

She stood and moved toward her dresser. "And how would it look if both you and I took a sick day on the same day?"

He thought for a moment. "Well, they're likely to think that I had way too much to drink, you came and found me, brought me home and then stayed to make sure that no one took advantage of me in my hung-over state."

Riza blinked in surprise. That story was brilliant and unfortunately for the colonel, very plausible. She'd definitely have to make use of it later. But for now, work was a necessity. "Roy, we're already a day behind in paperwork. You know we can't afford to get even further buried in past due reports."

He stuck his lips out in a mock pout. "It's always paperwork with you! If you love paperwork so much why don't you marry it!"

Sighing in exasperation she replied, "Because if I married paperwork, then I wouldn't be able to marry you."

Wait. Had Riza just said she wanted to marry him? Roy stared at her, his expression radiating cautious optimism. "So you've thought about marrying me?"

She blushed and then nodded. "I've- I've fantasized about it, yes." She was nervously rubbing her upper left arm with her right hand. He gazed at her, but she didn't meet his eyes. "But I'd always thought it would be no more than an idle dream."

His throat suddenly dry, he swallowed hard. "And- And what did you see in your fantasy?"

Removing her hand from her arm, she suddenly became very interested in the back of it. "The usual I guess," she answered, "A big house with a white picket fence, and a big yard for Hayate to play in. And I'd wait by the door for you to come home after a hard day of being fuhrer."

Roy took a moment to build a picture from her words. It certainly was a nice picture, and it was one he found himself liking more and more. He stood and took her hands in his. "Riza..." he asked, unsure of how to put his next question. "Did this fantasy of yours include our children?"

She didn't answer for a long time, instead staring down at her small hands resting in his larger ones. Finally she looked up at him and nodded. "Yes. I pictured us at first having two kids, a boy and a girl."

He smiled softly. "And did they have names?"

Riza bit her lip, but didn't turn her eyes from him. "Ryan and Elena." She felt a bit foolish for revealing so much to him. He must think her silly for going so far as to name their nonexistent kids.

He squeezed her hands tightly. "I think those are great names." Then his brow furrowed, and he frowned. "You said at first that you saw us having two kids. What changed?"

She looked down at their hands again and began rubbing his palms with her thumb. She wasn't sure how he'd take what she said next. "Well, after Hughes died..." Riza heard his hiss of in-drawn breath, but continued when he didn't interrupt her. "After Hughes died, then I kind of subconsciously added another little boy. His name was..."

_"Maes,"_ he finished for her. She nodded, hoping he wouldn't be upset at her presumption. She needn't have worried.

He pulled her into a tight hug and whispered into her shoulder, "I think that's a wonderful dream. Let's do our best to make it happen."

------------------------------------

Author's Indulgence

Wow, another chapter goes totally out of my control and ends up completely different than I intended. I hadn't meant to add the bit about the fantasies at the end, but it just flowed so well, and seemed to want to stay there.

I apologize for the length of time this update took. I'm finding it harder to write Lonely Mornings now then I thought, and I also need to start working again.

I expect right now for there to be one or two more chapters and then an epilogue.

Some of you may have noticed that I've written an angsty one-shot named "Godspeed and Goodbye" about the death of Black Hayate. Well, I had to put a pet down last week, and that's what inspired that fic. It's good, but many people have found it hard to read.

I have also started on a short chapter fic based on an expanded cosplay skit I wrote and performed. It's entitled "Special Missions" and it's a humor piece. A very odd humor piece about the ongoing feud between Ed and Roy. No yaoi involved, in fact, there's a bit of Royai in it.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the manga and anime.

-Thanks to my husband, Ryan, who watches too much Nascar.

-Thanks to people who send feedback or review. I greatly appreciate all your comments.

-And thanks to you for reading.

Next Chapter: The morning after continues. Does Riza know Bubbles? And possibly we finally learn the truth about Havoc's role in this whole thing.

-Anne Packrat (May 9, 2006)


	9. Breakfast, Bras, and Bad Dogs

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation.

Warning: Contains sexual language and situations. Profanity abounds.

Lonely Mornings - Chapter 9: Breakfast, Bras, and Bad Dogs

A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

---------------------------------

Riza stared at her colonel with mild horror. Roy was shoveling food into his mouth faster than Ed could piss off Winry. He was already on his second serving of eggs and toast. She watched as he emptied the plate and moved onto his cereal.

_ "It's like he's never eaten breakfast before!" _ she thought, gazing at him in morbid fascination, _ "Then again, given his habits, maybe he hasn't." _

Aloud she asked, "Roy, do you normally eat anything substantial in the morning?"

Roy paused, spoon halfway to his mouth. "Does whiskey count?"

"No!"

"Then no, I don't," he answered before continuing his assault on his cereal.

She sighed. "You really should take better care of yourself."

"Why?" he questioned in between mouthfuls of cereal, "I have you to take care of me."

"Roy!" she scolded, "I am not your mother!"

He snorted, narrowly avoiding inhaling a Cheerio up his nose. "Don't I know it. I wish my mom was as good-looking as you."

She blushed but dropped the subject. _ "He keeps catching me off guard like that. Maybe his charm is starting to affect me finally," _ she mused. She watched with distaste as he noisily slurped the remaining milk from his bowl. _ "Or maybe not." _

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Roy said now attacking his orange juice. She nodded. "Is your bra size a 34C?"

Unthinking she answered, "Yes that's right-" She realized what she was saying and stopped. Riza glared at him. "Roy! Why do you want to know that?" she said, angry and blushing.

He shrugged. "Just curious if Havoc's streak was still intact. It is by the way. He was right."

Morbid curiosity spurred her to ask, "Havoc's streak?"

Finishing his juice, he put the glass on the table making a "pling" sound. "That man has an uncanny ability to accurately guess bra sizes. I think he's gotten 12 in a row now."

Clenching her fist, her voice was dangerously low. "You all discuss my bra size?"

Slightly alarmed at her sudden anger, Roy sought to calm her, "Hey, don't worry, it's not just yours. We talk about all the female officers. And some of the males too." He noted that she still looked pissed. He had to calm her down fast or else bullets might start flying. He decided a joke was best. "Er, Breda's a 40B in case it should ever come up in conversation."

Riza gave up and slumped in defeat. She smiled wanly. "You are all pigs."

He shrugged. "We're men," he said, as if that explained everything. Maybe it did.

The lapsed into a comfortable silence, which Riza used to eat her own food, while Roy refilled his cereal bowl.

Eventually Riza said, "Roy, about what we did last night..."

He grinned. "Hey, I got no complaints about last night." He noticed the serious look on her face, and his grin faded. "I thought you enjoyed last night too, I mean-"

She held up her hand to stop him. "No, you're right, I enjoyed it," she blushed lightly, "I just mean that we forgot to take precautions."

"Oh," Roy said, "I kind of forgot about that." He looked up at her and flushed pink himself. "Er, is there a chance you could be-?"

She shook her head. "I don't think so, but a woman's cycle can vary, so it's not the most reliable method. There's a slight chance."

"Er, okay." Roy wasn't sure exactly what to say. His experience with "womanly cycles" amounted to "be extra nice to Hawkeye when she's PMSing or else." (He was always afraid to ask or else what.)

"I suppose I can take care of that for next time," he said. Then his grin returned, "Or else you could just you know do other stuff instead." He waggled his eyebrows.

She ignored said eyebrows because she knew they promised nothing but trouble. But they did bring up a topic she wanted to discuss. Fidgeting nervously, she asked "Did you enjoy the 'other stuff' last night?"

"Oh definitely," he answered earnestly, "I do think that was one of the best blowjobs I've ever had."

She sighed in relief even as she blushed at his unusual compliment. "I'm glad. To tell you the truth I was kind of nervous. I've never done that kind of thing before."

Roy's jaw dropped. "That was your first blowjob! How the hell did you get so good at it then?"

Riza bit her lip and looked down at the swirling liquid in her mug. "I kind of got help from a friend."

A small spike of alarm rose in Roy at the way she said that. "This... wouldn't happen to have been a male friend would it?"

She looked up at him and frowned. "Yes it was," she said, slightly annoyed, "But you have nothing to worry about. He gave me pointers that was all." She noticed his raised eyebrows. "Pointers given over coffee. In a coffee shop. While we were fully clothed." Her gaze again returned to her mug, and she continued more softly, "I didn't even ask for them, he volunteered, and I was curious so I listened."

This did little to settle Roy's unease. "I still don't think you should be talking about that kind of stuff with other guys. They might get the wrong idea."

Riza sighed and put down her coffee. "Look, you have absolutely nothing to fear from this guy. He's my hairdresser, and he's gayer than Sergeant Johnson over in Internal Affairs. Once a month we go out for coffee and talk."

She was amused by how he visibly relaxed when she said the word "gay." "So what do you talk about with this queer anyway?"

Riza was not pleased at his choice of synonyms, but she let it go. "Mostly we talk about men, clothes and other girl stuff," she answered, "Though Horatio is much more into fashion then I am."

Roy's eyebrow arched, "Horatio?"

She nodded. "His name is Horatio Timious Snarfwoggler the Fourth."

Roy whistled. "That's quite a name."

She took a sip of her tea before responding. "Yes, which is why most people call him by his stage name."

An icy chill ran up his spine. She couldn't be talking about him could she? With a sinking feeling he asked, "What is his stage name?"

"It's kind of silly, really," Riza said lightly, "But he likes to be called Bubbles."

All the color drained from Roy's face. His mouth worked but little sound came out.

"B-B-Bubbles?" he croaked.

She put down her cup and looked at him with concern. "Yes... Say, are you all right? You look awfully pale."

He worked on regaining his composure (only partially succeeding). He coughed nervously. "Uh, yeah, something went down the wrong pipe," he said quickly, "I'm fine now."

"If you're sure..." she told him doubtfully, "Do you need want more to eat?"

He shook his head. "No, I think I've had enough, thank you." His face scrunched in puzzlement as he recalled something she'd said a minute ago.

"Er, did you say Sergeant Johnson in Internal Affairs is gay?"

Riza nodded.

"So those manly slaps to the rear that he likes to give me in the locker room...?"

"Was him trying to feel you up? Yes."

Roy groaned. "Why the hell do I keep attracting men?"

Grinning she replied, "I suppose the good ol' Mustang Charm knows no gender boundaries. You'll have Armstrong or Falman slapping your ass next."

He glared at her. "That's not funny."

She didn't reply, instead giving him her version of his infamous smirk.

Roy rolled his eyes, then leaned back and stretched. "I suppose I should get going soon. I have to stop by my apartment and get a fresh uniform."

"You don't have to do that," she said as she cleared the dishes off the table and deposited them in the sink. "I have a spare uniform of yours here."

Roy raised an eyebrow. "There is? Why?" He made a fist and hit his other hand with it in an "A-ha" gesture. "I know! You like to stare at it and imagine yourself slowly stripping it off me!"

She rolled her eyes, then smiled and walked over to him. "Actually I like to wear it myself, then I snap my fingers a lot, pretending I'm the great Flame Alchemist." As an illustration, she put her hand in front of his face and snapped. "Part of the game also involves neglecting my paperwork, stealing Havoc's girlfriends and generally acting like a smug bastard."

He grinned. "Hey, sounds like fun. Let me play some time. I bet I'd be good at it!"

"I'm sure," Riza said wryly, "I bet you'd be the world champion in no time."

Pulling her into his arms he whispered, "You know if you really are interested in role-playing I know this place that rents costumes and-"

"Roy!" she said, pushing him away and laughing, "The real reason I have your uniform is because I picked up your dry cleaning a few days ago, remember? It's in the closet in the study." Looking at the clock, she frown and pushed him toward the hall. "Now go get dressed before we're both late for work!"

Roy pouted but allowed her to push him. "Can I at least help dress you?"

She sighed. "No."

"Please?"

She ran her hands through her hair. "Look, how about I let you undress me tonight instead?"

He leaned in to give her a quick kiss. "Deal." He disappeared into the study in search of his elusive uniform. She went into the bedroom, closed the door and got out her own uniform.

After a few minutes Roy came out straightening his jacket. He knocked on the bedroom door. "Hey, Riza, can I ask you something?"

"Hold on!" came her muffled reply. She came out with her jacket undone and her hands behind her head putting her hair up. A hair clip dangled from her mouth. Once her hair was ready she nodded to him. "Go on."

Red tinged Roy's cheeks as he asked, "Er, I was getting my uniform and I really don't want to pry you know, but..."

Confused at what could be upsetting her boyfriend, she said, "Spit it out, Roy."

He sighed and decided just to get it over with. "Why is there a pile of chewed up panties in the back of the closet in there?"

Riza's eye's widened. "Damn, is that where he's been putting them?"

Confused Roy asked, "Who?"

Frustrated she began looking around the apartment. "Who? Black Hayate, of course!" She wondered into the bedroom and looked under the bed and in the closet, but the puppy was not to be found so easily. "Damn dog keeps stealing my underwear every day for the past few weeks."

He opened his mouth to say something, but she put out a hand to silence him. Roy watched in alarm as she drew the gun from her waist. "Hayate! You have until the count of 3 to get out here."

_ "One..." _

No dog appeared.

_ "Two..." _

Still no dog.

_ "2 and a half..." _

She clicked the gun safety off.

A black and white flash nearly knocked Roy over. Hayate slid to a halt in front of her breathing heavily, and nearly tripping over himself. She smiled mirthlessly and put her gun away. She picked up the panting pup and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Hayate, I found where you've been stashing them, so the jig is up. Stop stealing my underwear or else I'll have to make up the money for them out of your treats budget. Do you understand?"

Hayate whimpered and nodded.

Riza put him down. "Good boy. Now go get your leash. We're going to work."

The puppy's ears perked up at this and he rushed off into the kitchen.

Roy stared at his lieutenant with a mixture of fear and awe. "Good god, Riza! If you do that with a dog, I'm almost afraid to see what you'd do with our kids. They'll be doing precision military drills by the time they're five!"

She shrugged. "Proper discipline is important, whether it's for puppies, children, or colonels."

Roy smiled and shook his head. "You are one amazing woman, Riza Hawkeye."

Riza blushed lightly at the compliment. "Thank you, Roy," she said softly.

Hayate returned with a leash in his mouth. Hawkeye picked him up, and the pup cuddled against her chest.

Roy fought down a surge of jealousy. Great, now he was envious of the damn dog.

Still, he would much rather be the one burying his face in her breasts. Oh well, he'd have to wait for tonight.

"Why has he been stealing his panties anyway?" he asked.

She scratched the dog on the head. "I'm not sure exactly, but I think he may have gotten the idea in his head from someone at the office."

Roy stiffened when a memory suddenly rose unbidden in his mind. He'd been chatting with the rest of the men. Riza had been at lunch, and he had jokingly suggested they go on a panty raid to her apartment. The others merely laughed off his suggestion saying it was a suicide mission. Now Roy remembered quite clearly that Black Hayate had been staring intently at him during the entire conversation. _ "Good god," _ he thought, _ "He couldn't have gotten the idea from that could he...?" _

Out loud he said, "Uh, how long ago did he start doing this?"

She thought for a minute then answered, "Just under four weeks ago I think. Why do you want to know?"

Roy's jaw dropped, but he quickly coughed to cover up his surprise. "Uh, no reason." He looked away. "Uh, I think he probably learned it from Breda and Havoc."

She nodded. "I figured as much. They're the main perverts after all."

Roy sagged in relief. She hadn't figured out Hayate's panty-thieving was his fault. He was still on her good side.

"All though I wouldn't be surprised if he learned it from you," she said coyly looking back at him, "After all, you're the biggest pervert of all."

-------------------------------

Author's Indulgence

Well, another chapter done. I wanted to tie up a few loose ends here, and torture Roy at the same time. After all, torturing Roy is so much fun. Almost as much fun as torturing Havoc...

Speaking of Havoc, he's turning out to be quite the interesting guy in this story isn't he? He gets slapped all the time, reads literary criticism and is able to accurately measure bra sizes. Kind of an hopeless perverted intellectual I guess.

Havoc will be running rampant through the next chapter. The next chapter will also be the last, excepting the epilogue. I am planning on a sequel eventually, which will have Roy and Havoc trying their matchmaking skills on Ed and Winry. It's not going to go well, of course. In the meantime I will write more of "Special Missions" and one or two more One-shots.

A big project I plan on starting is a series intended as a side / stand alone story to the anime. It does feature an original character, but the main difference between this and the rest is that almost the entire CAST is original. And I've done a lot of research to make it all fit in well. Give it a look if you like when I finally get it up.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA manga and anime.

-Thanks to my husband who is still watching freaking Nascar.

-Thanks to those who send feedback or review. I greatly appreciate it.

-And Thanks to you for reading.

Next chapter: What is Havoc's true role in this whole charade? Why are Breda, Fuery and Falman wondering about Roy's sexual orientation? And why is Sheizka there?

--Anne Packrat (May 13, 2006)


	10. Loose Talk, Loose Morals, and Loose Ends

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation and Viz.

Warning: Contains sexual situations and dialogue. Profanity Abounds.

Lonely Mornings

Chapter 10: Loose Talk, Loose Women, and Loose Ends

A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

------------------------------------

Hawkeye leaned out of Mustang's office. "Havoc!" she called, "The colonel wants a word with you."

Havoc sighed and followed her into the office. Hawkeye closed the door after him.

Fuery, Falman and Breda watched this whole exchange. "Is Havoc in trouble?" Fuery asked.

"I dunno," Breda answered. A sudden idea caused him to pound his fist into his hand. "Hey, maybe they succeeded in their mission! I bet they found Havoc a girlfriend."

"I don't know," Falman said skeptically, "The colonel didn't seem all that serious about actually getting him one."

"Aw, com'n," Breda scolded, "You gotta have faith in the man. If anyone can do it, the colonel can!"

Falman's gaze wandered to the closed door. "Well, Havoc has been a lot more cheerful today."

"You see?" Breda said, elbowing the larger man in the ribs, "Ol' Mustang came through!"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye has been a lot more cheerful today too," Fuery said happily.

The three men paused to consider this fact.

"Surely Mustang wouldn't have set up Hawkeye and Havoc would he?" Falman asked, his brow furrowing.

Breda shook his head. "I don't think so. I mean, I thought she and the colonel were sweet on each other."

Falman nodded. "Yes, there definitely is some sort of chemistry between Hawkeye and Mustang... But there is still the fact that both Havoc and Hawkeye are unusually high spirits today."

Fuery's features were scrunched up in concentration. "Maybe... Maybe Havoc is dating both Lieutenant Hawkeye AND the colonel?"

Again, the three men paused and digested this idea.

"I suppose I could see that as a definite possibility," Falman said carefully.

"It is kind of farfetched," Breda said slowly, "But I could see it working." He grinned suddenly. "A woman like Hawkeye could very well need more than one man to satisfy her."

Fuery blushed bright red, and Falman looked at the large man skeptically. "But Havoc and Mustang are not attracted to men."

Breda scratched his nose. "I dunno about that. I mean, I love the colonel like a brother but I've been hearing certain rumors about him being a turd burgler if you know what I mean..."

Fuery nodded earnestly. "And, and Sergeant Johnson in Internal Affairs is always slapping his butt!"

Falman considered. "Hmmm... Well, I have heard those same rumors, Breda. And they are interesting to say the least. But what about Havoc? I never considered him to be a candidate for backdoor visitation, if you get my drift."

"Easy," Breda replied, "He got tired of all the shit he gets from women so he finally decides to become a butt pirate."

Slowly Falman nodded. "Yes, I could see him as a 'rear admiral' so to speak."

Fuery adjusted his glasses and said slowly, "Then perhaps the colonel and Havoc are the ones who are together...?"

Yet again the three men had to stop and think upon an idea.

"But that doesn't explain why Hawkeye is so happy," Breda finally said.

Fuery thought for a moment. "Maybe- maybe Havoc and the colonel let her watch while they...?"

Breda threw him a look of disgust. "Dude, that 's just sick. No way would they do that. You got a dirty mind, kid."

Fuery's face fell and he looked over to find Falman nodding in agreement. "You, my boy," Falman said, "Are quite the pervert."

Fuery blushed. He had an urge to say something about pots, kettles, and the color black but instead tried his best to disappear behind the desk.

-------------------------------------

Havoc entered the colonel's office desperate to satisfy his burning curiosity. Had the plan worked? Certainly Hawkeye and the colonel seemed happier than normal, but you never could tell with those two. Both were superb actors, only letting through those emotions they wanted others to see.

Mustang looked up from his desk. "Ah, Havoc. Good to see you." Roy used his pen to point to the chair in front of him. "Have a seat."

As Havoc took the offered chair, Hawkeye circled around and took her customary position to the left and one step behind the colonel.

"So how are you today, Havoc?" Roy said turning his attention to the papers he was signing.

Frowning, Havoc said, "I'm fine, chief."

"Good, good," Roy answered still not looking up from his paperwork. "Did you get home okay last night?"

The blond second lieutenant was becoming frustrated. Why wouldn't Mustang just get to the point already? He fought down the sudden urge for a cigarette. "Er, yeah," he answered.

Mustang either didn't notice or didn't care about his subordinate's unease. "So you didn't get too wet then?"

Havoc couldn't take anymore useless small talk. The need to know was burning a hole in his brain. "Just fucking tell me already!" he yelled.

Mustang signed his final paper, stretched and leaned back in his chair. He gave his subordinate a puzzled look. "Tell you what?"

Havoc ground his teeth in frustration. Now he REALLY wanted a cigarette.

"Are you and Hawkeye together now or not?" he asked, his tone full of frustration.

Mustang didn't answer. Out of the corner of his eye, Havoc saw Riza's body stiffen. Then he noticed that he could only see one of Roy's hands. Havoc's face broke out in a slow smile that was mirrored on Roy's.

_"Roy..."_ Riza hissed dangerously.

He didn't listen. Instead Roy drew back his hand and gave her butt a light smack.

Right after that Riza gave him a smack in the head. But this one wasn't light.

"Ow..." Roy muttered while rubbing his head. The classic smirk had appeared on his face. "That answer your question, Jean?"

Havoc grinned and reached into his pocket for a cigarette. He couldn't smoke in the office, (Riza would enforce this by shooting any cigarette he tried to light up out of his lips) but he still liked to have them in his mouth. "Sure does, chief," he answered, "If you had tried a stunt like that before you'd be full of bullet holes now."

Riza looked back and forth between them. There was a look of disgust on her face. "Maybe I should just shoot you both right now."

"Aw, com'n, Riza," Roy whined, "Can't a guy have a little fun with his girlfriend?"

"Not when getting caught with that girlfriend is likely to get them both court-martialed!" Riza snarled.

Roy waved her concern off. "Havoc's not going to go blabbing to anyone, aren't you?"

Jean shook his head. "You kidding? I've been waiting for you two to get together forever now. No way am I going to mess this up."

"Thank you for that," Riza said, her anger of before abating just a little.

His face taking on a serious cast, Roy said, "Thanks from me too. But is there anything we can do for you in return? Do you want me to set you up with someone? You know, really try to get you a girlfriend?"

"No need, chief," Havoc said while putting his hands behind his head and leaning back in the chair, "Already got one."

Roy's jaw dropped and even Riza looked shocked. "You, Mr. Hopeless-with-Women, have a girlfriend?" Roy asked incredulous.

Havoc frowned. "Is it that hard to believe that I have a girlfriend?"

Roy nodded and Riza soon joined him.

Havoc rolled his eyes. "Give me a break, jeez. Yeah, I'm not kidding. I really got a girlfriend. We've been dating for three weeks now." He suddenly smiled. "She's a sweet, smart little thing with a butt that you want to just-"

Riza coughed. "I think that's a bit too much information, Jean."

"Not for me it isn't!" Roy said earnestly, "I want to hear about her butt, her legs, her breasts-"

He was interrupted by Riza smacking him in the head again. To Havoc she asked, "Do we know her, Jean?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I think so. She used to work in Investigations, but now she works in Records."

Roy's brow scrunched as he thought. "Wait that sounds like, er, someone..."

Riza was quicker on the uptake. She smiled. "So you're dating Sciezka? Is that why you were reading that book on poetry?"

Havoc rubbed the back of his neck then nodded. "Yeah. She loves Wordsworth, so I wanted to learn more about his work so I could understand her a bit better."

"You must be really serious about her to go through all that trouble," Roy said. He looked up at the woman next to him. "Though I know the feeling."

Clasping his hands in front of him, and leaning forward, Havoc explained, "It's so weird, you know? I never thought I'd end up with a girl like her. But she challenges me in a way I never have been before. And the stuff she knows! I never get bored talking to her."

Roy waggled his eyebrows. "Just what kind of stuff does she know?" Riza rolled her eyes.

Havoc grinned. "Let's just say that all that research does a body good. Whether it's hers or mine." His face grew serious. "I never realized just how alone I really was until I met her though. Before I'd go through my life without anyone to share things with, to tell things too. I used to wake up every morning to an empty bed, thinking I was the loneliest person on earth."

"I understand perfectly," both Roy and Riza said in unison. They looked at each other in surprise then each broke into a smile. Roy reached over and took her hand in his.

Jean rearranged the cigarette in his mouth, his grin never leaving his face. Seeing his two friends together was quite satisfying. "Yeah Shess told me she used to feel that way too. That's why she decided to help with my plan."

Riza frowned. "Your plan...?"

Havoc nodded, his face once again taking a serious cast. "Yeah, my plan. To get the two loneliest people in the whole goddamn military together." As he spoke, his gaze moved to encompass both his superior officers. "Of course, it also helped that they have feelings for each other but were too damn stubborn to admit them."

Roy and Riza both flushed pink at his implication. What the second lieutenant said was true, but it didn't make it any easier to hear.

Riza coughed lightly to cover her embarrassment. Roy just looked confused. "Is that why you suggested the fake mission as a way to get Riza alone with me?"

Havoc nodded. "Yeah, chief, though the actual mission bit was Sciezka's idea."

"While I didn't appreciate being set up, Jean," Riza said, "I suppose it did turn out all right in the end." She squeezed Roy's hand and he did the same in return.

Roy scratched his nose with his free hand. "Okay, I just have one more question, Havoc."

"Shoot."

The smirk returned. "What the hell happened to get you banned from the Prostitutes Union?"

All color drained from Havoc's face. "You- you know about that?"

Roy nodded. "Yep, Riza told us all about it. She said you spilled drinks on their laps or something?"

Havoc swallowed and looked up at his first lieutenant. She stared back at him placidly. "Er, kind of. I accidently spilled a drink in the lap of the first one. And she was nice about it, and actually talked to me, so I kinda figured well if it worked once, it might work twice more..."

Roy groaned and put his hand over his face. "God, you really are clueless when it comes to women."

Havoc shrugged. "Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean, yeah, I'd have to pay for dry cleaning bills, but they'd have to give me their number so I could get them the money, right?" His voice grew agitated at the memory. "I never thought they'd actually charge me for 'services rendered' and expect me to pay their hourly rates!"

Riza shook her head. "Jean, that is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. And I've been working for _him_," she pointed at the man next to her, "for ten years now, so I know stupid."

"Hey..." Roy said pouting. The lieutenants ignored him.

"Yeah, well, what can I say, I was desperate and drunk," Havoc explained, "And that's never a good combination." He suddenly smiled and his mood lightened. "It did work out in a way though. I met Sciezka while doing research in the library for my defense. I didn't understand a lot of it, and she patiently explained it all to me. After that we kind of just hit it off."

Eyes soft, and a smile touching her lips, Riza said, "You seem to really care for her. I'm glad you found someone to be with, Jean."

Havoc blushed and looked at the floor. "Thanks, Riza," he mumbled. Then he frowned and looked back up to her, his eyes filled with confusion. "What I don't understand though, is how you knew about the whole thing with the Hookers Union to begin with. The judge ordered the court records sealed, and there was never anything in the papers about it."

Riza shrugged. "My friend Mitzi is the League's Treasurer. She reports to me on any cases or information she thinks I'll find useful."

Roy's jaw dropped. Havoc wasn't looking much better. "You're friends with a prostitute?" he said in shock.

She nodded. "Yes. Mitzi's a nice girl, and is an excellent source of information. Men will often tell prostitutes things they wouldn't tell their own wives."

The colonel considered this. "What kind of information are you trying to get?"

Riza frowned. "Why information on threats to you, of course. Though lately I've also been compiling a list of tidbits that can be used for blackmail against your enemies."

For the second time in less than a minute, Roy was completely stunned. She was collecting potential blackmail material for him? "Why?"

She sighed and turned his chair so he could look at her. "Because when I said I would do whatever I could to reach the top I was serious. I'm merely keeping this list as insurance. I hope I never have to use it. Roy, you should know by now that I'd do _anything_ I possibly can to keep you safe."

Roy was shocked and in an odd way touched by the depths of her loyalty to him. She'd even be willing to break the law for him. Well, of course, they were breaking military law by getting together in the first place, but that was different. For that she'd lose her career, but the crime of blackmail could come at the cost of her freedom, or maybe even her life.

"So what," Havoc said, chewing on his cigarette worriedly, "Did your friend give you that information so you could blackmail me?"

Riza shook her head. "Not at all. She knew I worked with you and thought I'd get a kick out of it." She grinned. "And I did. I remember I didn't stop laughing for at least a half hour after I read it."

Havoc rolled his eyes. "Proud to serve, ma'am," he said without a trace of humor.

"Hey, Riza," Roy said, tapping his fingers on his cheek in thought, "This friend of yours is she hot?"

She shot in a suspicious glare. "I guess so. Why?"

Oh god, the smirk was back. "Think she'd be up for a threesome?"

This earned another head smack from Riza. (She really would have to find a better way to quiet him. Hitting him in his cranium didn't seem to do anything at all. _"Probably because he's so thick-headed,"_ she thought ruefully.)

"I really wish you'd quit doing that," Roy said, rubbing the bump on his noggin.

"Shut up, Roy! You are such a pervert!" she said, seething, "See if I make you breakfast ever again."

Havoc's glanced back and forth between them both, finally settling on Riza. "You made him _breakfast_? What exactly did you two get up to last night?"

Riza's cheeks gained a touch of pink, but she met Havoc's gaze. "Nothing you need to know about."

Roy smirked. "We fucked like weasels."

Havoc's eyebrows shot up and he whistled. "Wow. You guys move fast. I guess it's to be expected with you, chief, but Hawkeye, man you must have been real horny to-" He stopped suddenly when he found a gun barrel shoved in his face.

"_You will drop that line of thought right now,_" Riza said, her voice filled with ice.

Havoc chuckled and held up his hands. "All right, lieutenant. Not another word about it from me."

Behind her, she heard her boyfriend snickering, and moved the firearm to point at him instead. "I don't want to hear you talking about it either, Mustang."

"Oh, get off it, Riza," Roy said, unconcerned by her threat or the gun, "You and I both know that you won't shoot me."

She sighed and allowed the gun to point to the floor. "I suppose you're right." She smiled then, "But now I have a much greater weapon to use against you."

Roy quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? What's that?"

Her smile widened into a devious grin, and somehow the look of it made Roy especially nervous. "Do as I say, Roy," she told him, her voice light in tone but backed with a hint of menace, "Or 'Mr. Happy' gets no attention for a week."

Roy's face fell. "Hey, com'n, that's not fair..." Havoc sniggered and Riza stood firm. "Fine, fine," Roy relented, "You win. No talking about our sex life with Havoc."

"Or anyone else," Riza prompted.

Roy sighed. "Or anyone else."

"Good." She moved out to the front of Roy's desk and faced Havoc. "If you'll excuse me, I have some filing to do down the hall. But first..."

Quick as lighting she picked up Havoc by the collar and lifted him several feet in the air until his eyes met hers. Her eyes flashed and she growled at him as she spoke.

"If you ever, _EVER_ talk about my bra size again, then you will no longer have anything down there to measure, Mr. Second Place." She let him go and he dropped unceremoniously back into the chair. Then she picked some reports up, saluted the colonel and left.

Roy watched her go with an expression of amusement. Havoc's was a look of horror. "God, she's scary! I think I almost pissed my pants! And Mr. Second Place? What was that about?" Havoc said hoarsely.

Then he remembered a day when Hawkeye was off, and they were all sitting around the office bored. Then Breda announced he had a tape measure...

His head turned sharply and he glared at Roy. "You told her about _that?_"

Roy shrugged. "You try keeping secrets from the woman."

Grinning and shaking his head Havoc said, "Only a day and she's already got you completely whipped."

"Havoc," Roy said wryly, "She's had me whipped for years."

-----------------------------------------

Later that evening Central Headquarters lay quiet and empty, the soldiers almost all having departed for the day.

Sciezka had not left, and indeed had been working more overtime in the Records department. Havoc had waited around for her to finish, and now they were going to a late dinner. The couple was so engrossed in their conversation that they didn't notice the figure purposely walking towards them, until she was right in front of them. They stopped and stared at her in shock.

"Lieutenant!"

"Hawkeye!"

Riza looked back and forth making sure the hallway was clear. Then she pulled both Havoc and Sciezka into a quick hug.

"Thank you," she murmured.

Then she hurriedly straightened, saluted, then turned on her heel and strode back down the hall, leaving two surprised people in her wake.

Bemused, Sciezka pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose. "I take it our plan worked then?"

Grinning, Havoc nodded. Then he pumped his fist in the air and gave a victory sign. "_'Operation Fireboy and Ice Queen Combine'_ was a total success!"

Sciezka sighed and put her hand on his outstretched arm. "Jean-honey?"

"Yeah, babe?" Jean said, looking down at her, not breaking his pose.

"Let me pick the names from now on okay?"

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Author's Indulgence

Well, this was quite fun. Probably the longest piece of fanfiction I've ever written. Writing Roy's little gang is quite enjoyable. And, hey, Havoc got a girlfriend before Roy did! Go Havoc!

I hope I didn't offend anyone with the gay euphemisms in the first scene. It was solely for fun, and doesn't reflect my views at all. Though I will admit that the term "turd burglar" makes me giggle. But hey it could have been worse. I could have used "sperm burper."

Epilogue will be up in a bit.

As stated before there will be a sequel coming up with plenty of Roy / Riza and some Ed / Winry. There will be Smut, but only on the part of Roy and Riza. The teens will have to just be satisfied fluffiness. Tentative title for the sequel is Pay It Forward.

I am also considering writing a oneshot prequel, where Roy realizes just how he feels about Riza. It will be silly.

Thanks for sticking through all this, guys. I greatly appreciate it. If you like my writing then keep checking as there will be one-shots and more Special Missions coming, but not for a bit as I have Colossalcon in a few weeks and that means cosplay stuff gets my attention first.

Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA manga and anime.

Thanks to my husband who still makes fun of my damn lemons.

Thanks to people who send feedback or review. I greatly appreciate it.

And...

Thanks to you for reading.

Next time - Epilogue:

Some very special paperwork, and the Author brings back an old trick.

---Anne Packrat (May 19, 2006)


	11. Epilogue and Indulgence

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and is distributed by Square-Enix, Viz, and Funimation. Bubbles is a monster of my own creation.

Warnings: Contains sexual language, situations, and profanity.

Lonely Mornings - Epilogue and Indulgence  
A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction  
by Anne Packrat

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Riza Hawkeye always followed orders from her colonel, even if they were a unusual, strange, or unpleasant. Roy Mustang knew this, so he really had no reason to be surprised when she showed up in his office bearing a particular document.

He still was though.

----------------------------------------------

"Excuse me, sir," Hawkeye said, as she went to his desk and saluted. "I have that report you requested."

Roy was busy with his paperwork. He waved his hand toward a pile on the edge of his desk. "Fine, fine, put it with the others."

Hawkeye didn't move. "With all due respect, sir, I think you want to take a look at this report right now. It's one you specifically ordered me to prepare."

Something in her voice caused Roy to stop his work and look up at her. He frowned. "I don't remember asking you to do any reports for me, lieutenant."

Her face calm, Hawkeye said, "Nonetheless, sir, you did ask me to write this, and I have it here for you now." She held out the folder to him.

Curiosity piqued he took it from her hands. The outside itself looked normal, no different than the hundreds of other folders that had filtered through his office that week. But when he opened the folder, and saw the title of the report he knew why she insisted he read it now. The cover read:

"A Detailed Examination of the Cultural, Physical, and Societal Phenomenon Known as Roy Mustang's Penis."

Roy's jaw dropped. His mouth worked, but nothing came out. When he was able to speak his voice was small. "I-I can't believe you actually wrote it..."

"Of course, colonel." Hawkeye said, her tone mildly reproving, "As I said before, you did order me to write this and get it to you by midweek. I have done that, sir."

Roy stared at her in shock. "You actually took me seriously?"

Hawkeye frowned. "I take every order seriously, sir."

He flipped through the report, blushing when he read certain parts. After a minute he looked back up at her. "This is very... thorough."

She nodded. "That was my intention, sir. I tried to go into as much detail as possible."

Roy continued scanning the pages. His eyebrows rose and his blush deepened as he reached one particular page.

Hawkeye noticed his reaction. "Are you looking at page 21 then, sir?"

With trouble he turned his eyes away from the paper in front of him. "Er, no I'm on page 11."

"Ah," Hawkeye said knowingly, "That is a particularly interesting part as well, but page 21 has illustrations."

Eyes wide, Roy quickly flipped to page 21. There were indeed illustrations. Labeled illustrations. "Er, did you draw these yourself, lieutenant?"

Again she nodded. "Yes, sir. I apologize for any inaccuracies. I had to draw from memory, as reference pictures were unavailable."

He studied the drawings, even going so far as to turn the page upside down. "Actually I do believe these are accurate. I'm particularly impressed with the precision you showed in drawing the underside view. That- that must have been hard to do..."

"Yes, sir, it was. I was unsure of all the exact placement of certain things in that view, so I drew them as best as I could."

Roy frowned as his eyes flickered over the report again. "Where exactly did you get all the information for this... document?" Part of him was rather nervous about hearing her answer.

Hawkeye scratched her nose, and blushed lightly. "It's mostly from personal experience, sir, backed up by certain medical texts-" Roy relaxed at hearing her answer. She didn't seem to notice and continued. "Though I feel the most interesting material came from the interviews I conducted."

He looked up at her in shock. "I-Interviews? With who?"

She gestured to the report. "It's all listed in the bibliography, colonel."

Quickly he turned to the back of the document, running his finger down the list of sources. His eyes widened as he reached a familiar name. "You interviewed Havoc?"

She nodded, with the slightest hint of a smile on her face. "Of course, sir. You, yourself, told me that he has firsthand experience with the object in question."

"Oh, god..." he muttered before turning back to the list. He reached the "S" section before he found another familiar name. "Why in the hell did you interview Sciezka? She has absolutely no firsthand knowledge about my p-, er, about this subject."

Hawkeye gazed at him, her face expressionless. "I felt it necessary to provide an objective outside opinion from a respected researcher. She was able to provide insight into certain aspects of the general public's views on the subject."

Roy didn't hear the last of her reply, because he had just spotted yet another name on the list. It was a name that he had learned to fear above all others. All the color drained out of his face as he read, "Snarfwoggler IV, Horatio T."

Terror soaked his voice as he whispered, "You- You interviewed _Bubbles_?"

"Why, yes, colonel," she replied, her tone betraying nothing, "I had first thought he could provide more general knowledge on the topic, but..." Roy whimpered as she continued, "Imagine my surprise when he turned out to also have first-hand experience!"

He groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Lord, please kill me now," he muttered.

Riza shifted and looked at the floor. "I do hope you will forgive me though, sir."

Roy peeked at her through a gap in his fingers. "Why?"

She looked up at him, finally letting a small smile through on her face. "I have not yet been able to finish the oral portion of the report, colonel."

The gap widened, and more of his face became visible. "Oral portion?" he asked curiously.

She nodded. "Included in your initial orders, sir, was that I present an oral report to you as well."

Roy dropped his hands to his desk. A ghost of a smirk appeared on his lips. "When will you have it ready then, lieutenant?"

She considered. "I think I will have it ready for presentation by this evening, sir."

"Yes, that will work," he said, smirk growing, "I will be greatly looking forward to it."

"Until tonight then, sir," Riza said, picking up the report and saluting.

"Until tonight," he echoed. She went toward the door, and had her hand on it when his voice stopped her. "Oh, lieutenant?"

She turned slightly, "Yes, colonel?"

The smirk was present in full force. "Bring that report with you, tonight. I'm in the mood for some... bedside reading."

"Of course, sir," she said, a small smile on her lips. She would bring the report tonight when she presented her "oral report."

After all, it was an order. And Riza Hawkeye always followed her colonel's orders, no matter how unusual, strange, or unpleasant they may be.

But sometimes the colonel's orders weren't unpleasant at all. Sometimes they could be downright pleasurable...

And those were the orders that Riza Hawkeye followed best.

-------------------------------------------

Author's Great Indulgence

Leaning back in her chair, and stretching, Anne sighed. "Finally got that damn fanfic done."

"Not bad, chief," Havoc said, reading the computer over her shoulder, "Not bad at all."

The author looked up in surprise at the blonde second lieutenant. "What are you doing here?"

Havoc stepped back and leaned against the desk next to Anne's chair. "The colonel told me to come read the Author's Notes or something along those lines."

Anne frowned. "Lord, I'm doing that again? Having a character from the story read the Author's Notes? It's been five years since I've done that."

Taking a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket, Havoc said, "Hey, it's been five years since you wrote a fanfic."

Anne sighed. "Point taken." She glared at the cigarette in his hand. "You are not smoking that in here."

Havoc grinned. "Like you can stop me."

Quick as a flash Anne pulled a gun from a drawer and aimed it at his head. Havoc froze, and looked at the gun then her with a raised eyebrow. "You have guns?"

Anne rolled her eyes. "I'm a Hawkeye cosplayer. Of course, I have guns!"

Havoc's brow furrowed as he studied the gun barrel. "Wait, that's a toy gun! It has an orange tip on it! Man, don't worry me like that..." He moved to light his cigarette, but was stopped as a thin stream of water soaked both it and his face.

"Just because it's a toy gun doesn't mean it's useless," Anne said grinning.

Sighing, Havoc put his lighter away and dropped the now useless sodden cancer stick in the trashcan. "Look, can I just read these damn notes and get this over with?"

"Sure, sure," the author said, rummaging around in the mess on the desk before finding a piece of paper and shoving it in Havoc's hands, "Here just read this."

Havoc took a deep breath and began, "Let's see... 'Thanks to the creators and crew of the Fullmetal Alchemist anime and manga...' Yeah that's to be expected. 'Thanks to my husband who for some reason finds fart jokes to be hysterical...'"

Havoc looked up at Anne. "What's wrong with fart jokes?"

The author rolled her eyes and muttered something along the lines of "Men!"

Havoc blinked in surprise, then shrugged and returned to the paper. "'Thanks to the reviewers on fanfiction dot net and those who commented on Livejournal...' If I recall you didn't get all that many reviews did you?"

Anne frowned considering. "Well, I kind of did. I had 117 reviews at last count, which is wonderful. However, I had over 10000 hits on my story, which means only about 1 of the people who read the story reviewed. But I'm not going to complain, I love every review or piece of feedback I get, and am extremely grateful to the people who make them."

"Yeah, yeah," Havoc said, scratching his nose, "Spare me the smaltz will ya? What else we got here... 'Not that anyone cares, but the book Havoc was reading in Chapter Three was _The Ruined Cottage and the Pedlar_ by James A. Butler. It's a book of criticism and insight about the poetry of William Wordsworth. It's a bit dry, but otherwise very well-written.' Hold on... Isn't James A. Butler your dad?"

Anne blushed and looked at the ground. "M-maybe..."

Havoc frowned. "But doesn't that strike a bit of nepotism? I mean your dad's work is college level, and most of the readers are still in high school. It's unlikely they'll understand all of it, or even find it interesting..." He stopped when he noticed her staring at him with surprised expression. "What?"

Anne replied, "Nothing really, I'm just shocked you know that."

"About your dad's books you mean?" Havoc asked.

She shook her head. "No, I'm surprised you know what nepotism means."

Havoc shot her an angry glare. "Now look here, I've had just about enough of you fanfic authors portraying me as a dumbass!"

Grinning, Anne said, "Well, if the characterization fits..."

He rolled his eyes and smiled. "That's enough out of you!" Havoc said, playfully whapping her on the head. "I gotta admit that you're nicer to me then most, though. You even gave me a girlfriend before Mustang got one."

Anne smiled and moved the bangs out of her eyes. "What can I say? I like you and Sciezka as a couple. Better than you and Mustang or you and Armstrong, which seems to be two of the more prevalent couplings for you."

Havoc shivered. "Ugh, no yaoi for me thanks. Hey, you think I can get a sex scene at some point?"

The author rubbed her nose in thought. "I don't know. I'll have to see. I do like your character, and but I don't think I can write you in a lemon all that well..." She pondered for a moment. "How about I let you look at that Riza / Sciezka doujin I found instead?"

His eyes widened. "A Riza / Sciezka doujin? Are they, er, you know?"

"Fucking like weasels? Yes," Anne answered, "And Sciezka is the dominant one."

Grinning hugely, Havoc said, "Hot damn! I need to see this!"

Anne nodded and went to retrieve the laptop. She loaded up Safari and soon found the website in question. "Here," she said handing the laptop to Havoc, "Just push the arrow to go to the next page."

Havoc licked his lips. "I'm, uh, gonna go to the bathroom." He grabbed the laptop. "I'll just take this with me, so you know, it doesn't get stolen or something."

The author rolled her eyes. "Just be careful with it."

Havoc nodded, then disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door after himself. After a minute he said, "Damn, this is pretty hot!"

"I guess if you like Yuri it is," Anne yelled back, "The Japanese certainly can draw interesting sex scenes."

"Damn straight!" Havoc returned. "Hey, wait a minute..."

A devious smile broke out on Anne's face. Yes, he should just about be reaching that point in the manga...

"OH MY GOD!" Havoc screamed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? WHY DO THEY...?"

Grinning evilly, Anne said, "Oh, did I forget to mention it's a futanari doujin? And that means both Hawkeye and Sciezka have extraordinarily large penises?"

"HOLY-! I THINK I'M GOING TO GO BLIND!"

"Or that there's some Elicest in there too? And that Al is still a suit of armor?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Hearing his anguished screams, Anne nodded sagely. "I was wondering if he'd make it to the naked pictures of Armstrong."

"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?"

She rested her arms on the desk and rested her head in her hands. "What did you do, my dear Havoc?" Anne said lightly, "Why nothing much. It's not your fault that it's so much fun to mess with your wicked little mind."

Anne paused then added. "Though next time you want to discuss my favorite character's bra size, I wouldn't do it where the author can hear you."

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Thank you all for reading.

-Anne Packrat (May 23, 2006)


End file.
